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Early to wed may make marriage happy, survey says

Americans are waiting longer to get married, but they shouldn't wait too long: The odds for a happy marriage may favor those who tie the knot between the ages of 23 and 27, says a survey.

The average age at first marriage in the USA has been inching upward; it's now 26 for women and 27 for men.

The survey asked a variety of questions about marriage and divorce, including attitudes toward cohabitation and raising children. Eighty-eight percent of respondents said marriage should be a lifelong commitment.

The survey was designed and analyzed by University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn for the National Fatherhood Initiative, which advocates marriage and family values.
To determine marital satisfaction and success, Glenn says, the answers to a series of questions were calculated according to a statistical index, including adjustments for the length of marriages as well as the age at first marriage.

Findings shouldn't create panic among those approaching 30, he says. "Those marriages turned out better but maybe not because of the age," he says. "Some people may be just too picky or too choosy or not extremely desirable."

Other researchers worry that the findings, based on a 15-minute national telephone survey of 1,503 men and women ages 18 and older in late 2003 and early 2004, may alarm those unattached and marriage-minded.

"The last thing you want is to have them take this as a rule," says Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash. "If you're in a good relationship and if you want to marry, there's no reason to postpone it."
Andrew Cherlin, a professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, says marrying too young or too old carries a greater risk of divorce. But now, "as people wait longer and longer to marry, the definition of what's too old keeps changing."

"In the 1950s, 28 was really old to get married. Now it's not so old, which means there are more unmarried people for a 28-year-old to choose from," he says.

Frank Furstenberg, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, says the times are so different that past assumptions should be rejected. "The dregs in 1960 may have been people marrying in their late 20s and early 30s," he says. "That isn't true today."

USAToday

Engaged and Spiritually-Mismatched

Why is it that so many engaged couples are spiritually mismatched? As pre-marriage mentors, Sheri and I see many couples — around ten couples per year — where one person is not a Christian.

Often, the believer is fairly mature. He or she certainly knows what biblical Christianity is, but chooses to overlook this critical relational (and spiritual) element. Many hope for a conversion sometime in their married life, an event Lee Strobel  calls conjugal evangelism. Risky indeed.

Fortunately, we make evangelism a priority; and fortunately, God orients these couples so they are prepared to do spiritual business with us. Many come to Christ during our mentoring sessions. Fortunately.

Sometimes it's apparent we're the hired guns. The believer is praying, hoping that we'll do the "dirty work" and share Jesus with the unbelieving partner.

Other times the believer is sitting on the edge of his seat, red-faced, panicked that we'll offend his fiancé or cause conflict between them.

Our pre-marriage mentoring process is a spiritual safety net.

If you are in a spiritually mismatched dating or engaged relationship — step back, pause, and think this through. You're at a disadvantage: evangelizing the one you love can be very delicate and complex. Consider the future: It's okay to be spiritually optimistic, but consider the risk and the prospect of partnering with a non-believing spouse for a long, long time.

Are you in church leadership or in marriage ministry? I urge you to get serious about pre-marriage mentoring and make evangelism a priority.

Wedding Planning: The First Big Relationship Challenge

To have a successful marriage, couples need to learn how to make decisions together, and wedding planning offers the perfect planning vehicle...

1. Recognize the Challenge, Embrace the Opportunity
2. Explore Your Personal Wedding Visions
3. Plan the Planning Process First
4. Create Your Action Plan
5. Stay Connected: Using Communication, Conflict Resolution and Intimacy Skills
6. Stay Centered: The Keys to Stress Management
7. Take a Marriage Preparation Class
   
   Read the Article

The Learning Curve

This morning, counseling a couple in their final pre-marriage mentoring session, I wanted to recap with a few brilliant words of wisdom. I gave them my Learning Curve story.

Not particularly clever or original, this story describes my own skills disorder figuring out the basics of happy marriage. Oh, I’m sure my wife will claim her share of the blame. It takes two. But if I had come around sooner, I believe our own marriage would have turned the corner much sooner.

This couple has personality issues – which means they frequently get on each others nerves. They are very different people, and there is a temptation to change each other.

My advice was this:

• You can’t change each other. Don’t try.
• Be flexible – most of the time you’ll never resolve major issues. Learn to distinguish solvable problems.
• Be a servant. Serve each other.
• Respect each other.

Small changes make big improvements. The faster you get on board with the fundamentals, the sooner you’ll have a strong, satisfying marriage.

Some advice for young newlyweds

Just read an article at Forbes related to a core value we emphasize in our pre-marriage mentoring sessions. It's reassuring to see the same advice from a Financial Planner...

Financial troubles can wreck a marriage.

Many young couples aren't comfortable talking about financial issues and to avoid conflict, many simply don't discuss them.

Our number one suggestion is that couples develop a budget outlining income and routine expenses.  Without a budget, many young couples simply spend money as quickly as they earn it and are unprepared for the first bout of unemployment. You don't want to be between jobs without a rainy day fund.

Secondly, talk about your finance picture. And if you find yourself in deep weeds, get counseling.

Question: Do you want to stay together or not? Put away the goo-goo eyes and get serious about your financial future.

Teenage Pregnancy

I recently came across a new book written by Ruth Bell Graham called, I'm Pregnant, Now What? It is amazingly honest and I give Ruth a great deal of credit for coming forward with her story and that of her daughter.

Within the Christian community I've found this to be a silent topic. As Christian parents, we bury our heads in the sand; our kid's sexuality is above reproach. We'd never consider them having sex prior to marriage.

From my own personal experience and pain with my two daughters and three pregnancies prior to marriage, it does happen.  I always spoke to my girls about abstinence, honoring God with their minds and their bodies and many others things.  They chose a different path.

What it has shown me is - I'm not a perfect parent and my daughters are not perfect children.  There is no such thing.  I've been reminded by God that I am a child with many faults and many sins of my own that have been forgiven over and over again.  I always expected perfection from my daughters in their sexuality, but I was not perfect in my choices as a teen either.  Were you?

Parents, love your children through their choices - good or bad.  Remember the grace God has given you when you have been less than obedient.  And - talk about it. Share this with people in your church.  It needs to be talked about more openly and honestly.  Teen pregancy statistics are not all that different with children raised in Christian homes.

I'm Pregnant, Now What? by Ruth Graham

Pre-Marital Counseling

Before my wife and I were married (24 years ago) we saw our pastor for premarital counseling. Only it really wasn't... it was pre-wedding counseling. The only thing he said that touched on marriage was his advise to not marry someone whose parents were divorced (mine had divorced a couple of years earlier). The rest of the sessions (I remember there being 2 or 3) focused on the wedding ceremony: who would stand where, what we were going to say in the vows, etc.

I enjoy doing premarital counseling. In fact, I feel a little guilty because it's usually a lot of fun and not very hard work. Much of what I do is pre-re-marriage counseling. Two people who have both been divorced before and want to make sure they don't repeat the same mistakes this time around. Often, it turns into a form of family counseling when I ask them to bring the kids in and we begin looking at how to blend them into one family.

This is one area in which the local church take a much stronger lead. Older couples could be involved in a ministry that combines premarital counseling with marriage mentoring. Something that would take the couple from a few months before the wedding through the first year of marriage. This is the kind of thing I read about, talk about, but very rarely see in action. Is anyone's church offering this type of ministry?

(Bowden McElroy)

•The Growthtrac Pre-Marriage page
•Growthtrac Church Resources

New Statistics on Wedding Costs

The wedding industry is now a $50 billion industry according to a new study published by Forbes Magazine. The average wedding in the U.S. today costs over $23,000 and includes an average of168
guests, 100 of whom actually give wedding gifts that average $85 each. But the costs of attending a wedding are not limited to the gift—amazingly the typical guest spends on average $500 to attend
the event when new attire, travel, gas, parking and hairstyling are factored in. In the Bay Area, we have been told by wedding professionals that the average wedding costs $30, 000- $50, 000 and we all know many couples who have spent over $100, 000 on their wedding!

Wedding couples report that almost half of them spent more on
their weddings than they had intended, often relying on credit
cards to make up the difference. In terms of wedding gifts, cash
is the most preferred gift while bric-a-brac the least preferred.
If all the wedding costs are added up and invested at a 10%
annual return rate, it would cover the costs of a private college
tuition for an infant born on the wedding day.

Forbes reported that Liza Minnelli’s fourth wedding cost $7000
for each day that the marriage lasted. The wedding of Catherine
Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas cost between $1.5 and $2 million
dollars but was offset by the sale of exclusive photos to a
British magazine for $1.6 million and a $24,000 settlement again
another British magazine for publishing unauthorized photos. With
all that dough on the table, you may wonder if a pre-nuptial
agreement was part of the deal? You bet. With Hollywood marriages
breaking up faster than you can say “Brad and Jen”, pre-nups are
almost as common as marriage vows. In Zeta-Jones case, if the
marriage breaks up, she gets $2.8 million for each year that the
marriage lasts.

Source: Marriage Prep 101 Quarterly Newsletter