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Marriage Mentoring Matters

Growthtrac in the Chicago Tribune

Read more about marriage mentoring here.

Cohabitation Poses Many Risks

Great piece by Duane Shepard on living together before marriage.
Check out the entire article here.

'Tis the season for weddings, but it's a little difficult to get starry-eyed at the nuptials when more than half of all American couples have lived together before walking down the aisle.

During the past four decades, the number of cohabiting couples has increased by more than 1,200 percent. What was considered scandalous just a few decades ago is now regarded as the norm. It's virginity that makes the news.

In their book, "Shacking Up: the Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned," sisters Stacy and Wynne Whitman capture the flippant attitude held by many of the nation's 5 million cohabitants: "By shacking up, you get to test out what marriage would be like. It's sort of like sampling a flavor of frozen yogurt before ordering a dish."

Should couples be encouraged to have a free, no-strings-attached trial period to see whether they're compatible? On the surface, this philosophy might seem to have merit. But despite the widely held notion that this burgeoning practice improves the quality of a subsequent marriage, the evidence shows otherwise.

What studies say

Thirty years of research and scores of studies now confirm what most of us have always known in our hearts to be true: Living together before marriage can be hazardous to your physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and future marital health.

Consider these findings:

» Cohabitation does not lead to marriage in the majority of cases. The median duration of cohabitation is 1.3 years.

» The risk of divorce after living together is 50 to 100 percent higher than for couples who have not lived together. (Axxinn & Thornton, 1992)

» Those who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs. (Ciavola, 1997; Forste & Tanfer 1996)

» Cohabiting couples argue, shout and hit each other more than married couples. (Penn State University, Brown & Booth, 1997)

» Women are 62 times more likely to be assaulted by a live-in boyfriend than by a husband. (U.S. Justice Department, Colson, 1995)

» Cohabiting women have rates of depression three times higher than married women.

» Those who live together are at a higher risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases, which have tripled in the past six years. (Ciavola, 1997)

» Premarital sex creates emotional baggage that lays the groundwork for comparisons, suspicions and mistrust. (Laumann, et.al, 1994)

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Will there be a television in the bedroom?

Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

What does my family do that annoys you?

Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

From the New York Times

Pre-Marriage Mentoring Series

Todd Rhoades, our friend at the excellent site, MondayMorningInsight , kindly asked me to contribute a series of articles on Pre-Marriage Mentoring.

You can read the first installment here. Each article in the series will appear every Thursday.

The MondayMorningInsight audience is primarily pastors and church leaders, so the articles will discuss the value of mentoring and explore the basics of deploying this kind of ministry in their church.. 

Click Here

Cohabitating Couples: Sliding vs. Deciding

Scott Stanley, a leading marital researcher recently reported about the “pre-marital cohabitation effect” which he described as co-habiting couples “sliding vs. deciding”. Researchers have reported that couples that live together prior to getting engaged have an increased risk for divorce and marital distress. Interestingly, the finding does not apply when couples co-habit AFTER they become engaged. In the past, this finding was understood by a “selection bias” which meant that those people who chose to live together before getting engaged had personality variables such as being less traditional, more egalitarian, financially independent, less religious and more likely to come from a divorced family. All these factors make them more vulnerable to divorce later on according to research.

Now, Stanley and colleagues have reported that the “experience” of co-habiting before engagement may also increase divorce risk. For example, he found that the ambiguity of co-habitation sometimes undermines the couples’ ability to understand what their relationship is really about (marriage bound or not). Some couples “slide” into living together because it may be convenient (spending nights together anyway, save rent money) and offer an alternative/postponement to deciding about marriage. In other words, some are “trying out the relationship” without the lifelong commitment.             

Stanley found that “relationship inertia” makes it easier to continue living together even when it may not be a good decision, rather than break up.             

So, these couples are more likely to postpone marriage indefinitely or one person (usually the woman) encourages the man to get married when he doesn’t really want to or is not really “marriage-ready”. This latter group that goes on to get married has a higher level of divorce.              About 80% of couples in urban areas live together before marriage, so it is definitely something to think about.             

Here’s what Stanley suggests couples do based on the research:

First talk candidly about the meaning or purpose of living together.

Set a time frame for deciding whether each wants to get married or not.

Discuss what must happen (for each person) to suggest they are ready to make a commitment to marry.

Those who want to “test out” the relationship for marriage would be better served by taking a relationship workshop or entering couples counseling.

From our friends at MarriagePrep101

What to Ask Before You Tie the Knot

Regardless of your level of compatibility, conflict in marriage is inevitable. One of the most important things you need to know is whether your partner can stand the heat. Will s/he be willing to get help when the going gets tough. Is s/he willing to take a marriage education class to learn the necessary skills to get and keep your marriage on track or back on track? Would s/he be willing to go to a qualified marriage counselor or speak to your clergy or rabbi? And if you’re going to talk, talk about the taboo, x-rated subjects.

Discuss infidelity, infertility, aging parents, job layoffs, unexpected illnesses or deaths. Talk about the hard stuff. Does your partner know that over two thirds of what couples argue about in marriage is unresolvable? Does s/he know the predictable transitional stages that ALL marriages go through regardless of how much couples love each other? Does your mate know that while marriage is still one of the greatest institutions on earth, it’s not for the faint of heart? In fact, it’s darn hard work. And since it only takes one person to end a marriage, you might want to ask your partner, “Under what circumstances would you feel that our marriage would be over?” I know this question isn’t pretty or romantic, far from it, but since most divorces are unilateral decisions, it might help to know what might prompt your spouse to call it quits. It could be a deal breaker.

From our friend Michele Weiner-Davis at DivorceBusters.

Should We Live Together?

Conclusions from social science research
According to surveys, most young people say it is a good idea to live with a person before marrying.

But a careful review of the available social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. What’s more, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend. Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose special risks for women and children. Specifically, the research indicates that:

Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.

Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.

Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well being than married couples.

From the executive summary, Should We Live Together?, by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead

Premarital Education Could Cut Divorce Rate, survey finds

Great news (as if we didn't know!) from The Journal of Family Psychology,,,

More couples are getting premarital education, perhaps thinking it may give their new marriages divorce protection. And new research suggests they may well be right.

Premarital education "is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction, lower levels of destructive conflicts and higher levels of interpersonal commitment to spouses," says the study, published this spring in the Journal of Family Psychology. Based on a random phone survey of 3,344 adults in four states, it says couples who received premarital education had a 31% lower chance of divorce. The number of hours spent in premarital programs ranged from as little as a few hours to 20 hours. The median was eight hours.

Most religious denominations suggest that their engaged couples participate in such programs; Catholicism requires it. But now, others also are giving them a try.

"The reason this has become more important, at least culturally if not religiously, is that people are beginning to try and figure out ways to prevent divorce," says Deborah Caldwell, managing editor of Beliefnet.com, a multi-faith religion website.

Unlike premarital counseling, which involves the couple alone and may focus on their conflicts and trouble spots, premarital education takes place in a group; classes provide general relationship advice.

Because premarital education aims to lower the risk of divorce and identify problem areas before the wedding, experts suggest couples start such programs six months to a year out.

Scott Stanley, co-founder of a premarital and marital education program and a co-author of the journal study, says increased interest in premarital education follows a cultural trend "to be much more accepting of education as a way to improve one's ability to do life well." He is speaking this week at the Smart Marriages Conference in Atlanta.

His study surveyed adults in Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas in 2001. Only 7% of those married there during the 1930s and 1940s got premarital education, compared with 44% of those married since 1990.

Apparent benefits were the same across race, income and education, but there was at least one difference.

"It looks like everyone has the same benefit, but they don't have the same access," Stanley says.

William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, is among those who want to improve that access. He has created a DVD designed to give prospective brides and grooms a dose of premarital education amid the logistics of their wedding planning. The two-hour mini-course is aimed at managing what Doherty calls the "people stress" of preparing for the big event.

Wedding planning advice abounds, from a plethora of books to websites and chat rooms that let brides-to-be vent about their soon-to-be in-laws or their own family issues. But Doherty says their advice is simplistic.

• Growthtrac's Pre-Marriage page
• The Benefit of Pre-Engagement Counseling
• Marriage Mentoring

Getting Married Soon?

The short list of recommendations from Dr. James Dobson:

(1) Don't marry someone who has characteristics that
you feel are intolerable.

(2) Do not marry impulsively!

(3) Do not marry someone with dramatically different religious
views, especially if matters of faith are important to you or to the other person

(4) Do not move in with a person before marriage. It undermines a relationship and often leads to divorce.

(5) Don't get married too young. Those who wed between the ages of 14 and 17 are twice as likely to divorce as couples who wait until their 20s.

(6) Finally, I'll conclude with the ultimate secret of lifelong
love. Simply put, the stability of marriage is a by-product of an
iron-willed determination to make it work.

Intentional Marriages

Intentional Marriages Highlight Classical Virtues

We think the idea of intentionality is one of the most important concepts we can share with our couples. The concept is based on the idea that couples need to invest in their relationships over the long-term to keep their marriages strong. By “leaning toward” their partner, making interactions as positive as possible and making timely contributions to marital happiness the relationship is fed and grows over time.

Now, a new study of 100 married couples reported in Science and
Theology News has shown that those couples who plan how to
strengthen their marriage are more satisfied with their
relationship. Vincent Jeffries, a sociologist at California State
University at Northridge explored “virtue” in modern marriage.
The virtues studied were: temperance (or self-control), fortitude
(willingness to undergo hardship), justice (or fairness),
prudence (using reason to determine what is good) and charity
(doing good to the other). Couples, all of whom were married 25
years or more, were asked what they did to keep their marriage
strong.

Jeffries found that couples create rules of behavior based on
the above named virtues and these rules create the culture of the
marriage. Specific virtues also had specific effects, he found.
Using prudence to plan for having a betterrelationship
—intentionality in other words—increases marital
satisfaction. Practicing virtue, a concept that dates all the way
back to Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas, is found in many aspects of
healthy marriage from rearing children, to putting the marriage
ahead of career to setting aside family time and managing anger.
In essence, Jeffies found that the more the above virtues were
practiced, the higher the levels of marital quality and
stability. Although the concept of virtue is often associated
with religious beliefs, Jeffries noted that one doesn’t have to
be religious to be virtuous.

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