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Cohabitation Poses Many Risks

Great piece by Duane Shepard on living together before marriage.
Check out the entire article here.

'Tis the season for weddings, but it's a little difficult to get starry-eyed at the nuptials when more than half of all American couples have lived together before walking down the aisle.

During the past four decades, the number of cohabiting couples has increased by more than 1,200 percent. What was considered scandalous just a few decades ago is now regarded as the norm. It's virginity that makes the news.

In their book, "Shacking Up: the Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned," sisters Stacy and Wynne Whitman capture the flippant attitude held by many of the nation's 5 million cohabitants: "By shacking up, you get to test out what marriage would be like. It's sort of like sampling a flavor of frozen yogurt before ordering a dish."

Should couples be encouraged to have a free, no-strings-attached trial period to see whether they're compatible? On the surface, this philosophy might seem to have merit. But despite the widely held notion that this burgeoning practice improves the quality of a subsequent marriage, the evidence shows otherwise.

What studies say

Thirty years of research and scores of studies now confirm what most of us have always known in our hearts to be true: Living together before marriage can be hazardous to your physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and future marital health.

Consider these findings:

» Cohabitation does not lead to marriage in the majority of cases. The median duration of cohabitation is 1.3 years.

» The risk of divorce after living together is 50 to 100 percent higher than for couples who have not lived together. (Axxinn & Thornton, 1992)

» Those who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs. (Ciavola, 1997; Forste & Tanfer 1996)

» Cohabiting couples argue, shout and hit each other more than married couples. (Penn State University, Brown & Booth, 1997)

» Women are 62 times more likely to be assaulted by a live-in boyfriend than by a husband. (U.S. Justice Department, Colson, 1995)

» Cohabiting women have rates of depression three times higher than married women.

» Those who live together are at a higher risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases, which have tripled in the past six years. (Ciavola, 1997)

» Premarital sex creates emotional baggage that lays the groundwork for comparisons, suspicions and mistrust. (Laumann, et.al, 1994)

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Will there be a television in the bedroom?

Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

What does my family do that annoys you?

Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

From the New York Times

Pre-Marriage Mentoring Series

Todd Rhoades, our friend at the excellent site, MondayMorningInsight , kindly asked me to contribute a series of articles on Pre-Marriage Mentoring.

You can read the first installment here. Each article in the series will appear every Thursday.

The MondayMorningInsight audience is primarily pastors and church leaders, so the articles will discuss the value of mentoring and explore the basics of deploying this kind of ministry in their church.. 

Click Here

Cohabitating Couples: Sliding vs. Deciding

Scott Stanley, a leading marital researcher recently reported about the “pre-marital cohabitation effect” which he described as co-habiting couples “sliding vs. deciding”. Researchers have reported that couples that live together prior to getting engaged have an increased risk for divorce and marital distress. Interestingly, the finding does not apply when couples co-habit AFTER they become engaged. In the past, this finding was understood by a “selection bias” which meant that those people who chose to live together before getting engaged had personality variables such as being less traditional, more egalitarian, financially independent, less religious and more likely to come from a divorced family. All these factors make them more vulnerable to divorce later on according to research.

Now, Stanley and colleagues have reported that the “experience” of co-habiting before engagement may also increase divorce risk. For example, he found that the ambiguity of co-habitation sometimes undermines the couples’ ability to understand what their relationship is really about (marriage bound or not). Some couples “slide” into living together because it may be convenient (spending nights together anyway, save rent money) and offer an alternative/postponement to deciding about marriage. In other words, some are “trying out the relationship” without the lifelong commitment.             

Stanley found that “relationship inertia” makes it easier to continue living together even when it may not be a good decision, rather than break up.             

So, these couples are more likely to postpone marriage indefinitely or one person (usually the woman) encourages the man to get married when he doesn’t really want to or is not really “marriage-ready”. This latter group that goes on to get married has a higher level of divorce.              About 80% of couples in urban areas live together before marriage, so it is definitely something to think about.             

Here’s what Stanley suggests couples do based on the research:

First talk candidly about the meaning or purpose of living together.

Set a time frame for deciding whether each wants to get married or not.

Discuss what must happen (for each person) to suggest they are ready to make a commitment to marry.

Those who want to “test out” the relationship for marriage would be better served by taking a relationship workshop or entering couples counseling.

From our friends at MarriagePrep101

What to Ask Before You Tie the Knot

Regardless of your level of compatibility, conflict in marriage is inevitable. One of the most important things you need to know is whether your partner can stand the heat. Will s/he be willing to get help when the going gets tough. Is s/he willing to take a marriage education class to learn the necessary skills to get and keep your marriage on track or back on track? Would s/he be willing to go to a qualified marriage counselor or speak to your clergy or rabbi? And if you’re going to talk, talk about the taboo, x-rated subjects.

Discuss infidelity, infertility, aging parents, job layoffs, unexpected illnesses or deaths. Talk about the hard stuff. Does your partner know that over two thirds of what couples argue about in marriage is unresolvable? Does s/he know the predictable transitional stages that ALL marriages go through regardless of how much couples love each other? Does your mate know that while marriage is still one of the greatest institutions on earth, it’s not for the faint of heart? In fact, it’s darn hard work. And since it only takes one person to end a marriage, you might want to ask your partner, “Under what circumstances would you feel that our marriage would be over?” I know this question isn’t pretty or romantic, far from it, but since most divorces are unilateral decisions, it might help to know what might prompt your spouse to call it quits. It could be a deal breaker.

From our friend Michele Weiner-Davis at DivorceBusters.

Should We Live Together?

Conclusions from social science research
According to surveys, most young people say it is a good idea to live with a person before marrying.

But a careful review of the available social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. What’s more, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend. Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose special risks for women and children. Specifically, the research indicates that:

Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.

Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.

Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well being than married couples.

From the executive summary, Should We Live Together?, by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead

Premarital Education Could Cut Divorce Rate, survey finds

Great news (as if we didn't know!) from The Journal of Family Psychology,,,

More couples are getting premarital education, perhaps thinking it may give their new marriages divorce protection. And new research suggests they may well be right.

Premarital education "is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction, lower levels of destructive conflicts and higher levels of interpersonal commitment to spouses," says the study, published this spring in the Journal of Family Psychology. Based on a random phone survey of 3,344 adults in four states, it says couples who received premarital education had a 31% lower chance of divorce. The number of hours spent in premarital programs ranged from as little as a few hours to 20 hours. The median was eight hours.

Most religious denominations suggest that their engaged couples participate in such programs; Catholicism requires it. But now, others also are giving them a try.

"The reason this has become more important, at least culturally if not religiously, is that people are beginning to try and figure out ways to prevent divorce," says Deborah Caldwell, managing editor of Beliefnet.com, a multi-faith religion website.

Unlike premarital counseling, which involves the couple alone and may focus on their conflicts and trouble spots, premarital education takes place in a group; classes provide general relationship advice.

Because premarital education aims to lower the risk of divorce and identify problem areas before the wedding, experts suggest couples start such programs six months to a year out.

Scott Stanley, co-founder of a premarital and marital education program and a co-author of the journal study, says increased interest in premarital education follows a cultural trend "to be much more accepting of education as a way to improve one's ability to do life well." He is speaking this week at the Smart Marriages Conference in Atlanta.

His study surveyed adults in Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas in 2001. Only 7% of those married there during the 1930s and 1940s got premarital education, compared with 44% of those married since 1990.

Apparent benefits were the same across race, income and education, but there was at least one difference.

"It looks like everyone has the same benefit, but they don't have the same access," Stanley says.

William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, is among those who want to improve that access. He has created a DVD designed to give prospective brides and grooms a dose of premarital education amid the logistics of their wedding planning. The two-hour mini-course is aimed at managing what Doherty calls the "people stress" of preparing for the big event.

Wedding planning advice abounds, from a plethora of books to websites and chat rooms that let brides-to-be vent about their soon-to-be in-laws or their own family issues. But Doherty says their advice is simplistic.

• Growthtrac's Pre-Marriage page
• The Benefit of Pre-Engagement Counseling
• Marriage Mentoring

Getting Married Soon?

The short list of recommendations from Dr. James Dobson:

(1) Don't marry someone who has characteristics that
you feel are intolerable.

(2) Do not marry impulsively!

(3) Do not marry someone with dramatically different religious
views, especially if matters of faith are important to you or to the other person

(4) Do not move in with a person before marriage. It undermines a relationship and often leads to divorce.

(5) Don't get married too young. Those who wed between the ages of 14 and 17 are twice as likely to divorce as couples who wait until their 20s.

(6) Finally, I'll conclude with the ultimate secret of lifelong
love. Simply put, the stability of marriage is a by-product of an
iron-willed determination to make it work.

Intentional Marriages

Intentional Marriages Highlight Classical Virtues

We think the idea of intentionality is one of the most important concepts we can share with our couples. The concept is based on the idea that couples need to invest in their relationships over the long-term to keep their marriages strong. By “leaning toward” their partner, making interactions as positive as possible and making timely contributions to marital happiness the relationship is fed and grows over time.

Now, a new study of 100 married couples reported in Science and
Theology News has shown that those couples who plan how to
strengthen their marriage are more satisfied with their
relationship. Vincent Jeffries, a sociologist at California State
University at Northridge explored “virtue” in modern marriage.
The virtues studied were: temperance (or self-control), fortitude
(willingness to undergo hardship), justice (or fairness),
prudence (using reason to determine what is good) and charity
(doing good to the other). Couples, all of whom were married 25
years or more, were asked what they did to keep their marriage
strong.

Jeffries found that couples create rules of behavior based on
the above named virtues and these rules create the culture of the
marriage. Specific virtues also had specific effects, he found.
Using prudence to plan for having a betterrelationship
—intentionality in other words—increases marital
satisfaction. Practicing virtue, a concept that dates all the way
back to Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas, is found in many aspects of
healthy marriage from rearing children, to putting the marriage
ahead of career to setting aside family time and managing anger.
In essence, Jeffies found that the more the above virtues were
practiced, the higher the levels of marital quality and
stability. Although the concept of virtue is often associated
with religious beliefs, Jeffries noted that one doesn’t have to
be religious to be virtuous.

Marriage Prep 101 Quarterly Newsletter

Early to wed may make marriage happy, survey says

Americans are waiting longer to get married, but they shouldn't wait too long: The odds for a happy marriage may favor those who tie the knot between the ages of 23 and 27, says a survey.

The average age at first marriage in the USA has been inching upward; it's now 26 for women and 27 for men.

The survey asked a variety of questions about marriage and divorce, including attitudes toward cohabitation and raising children. Eighty-eight percent of respondents said marriage should be a lifelong commitment.

The survey was designed and analyzed by University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn for the National Fatherhood Initiative, which advocates marriage and family values.
To determine marital satisfaction and success, Glenn says, the answers to a series of questions were calculated according to a statistical index, including adjustments for the length of marriages as well as the age at first marriage.

Findings shouldn't create panic among those approaching 30, he says. "Those marriages turned out better but maybe not because of the age," he says. "Some people may be just too picky or too choosy or not extremely desirable."

Other researchers worry that the findings, based on a 15-minute national telephone survey of 1,503 men and women ages 18 and older in late 2003 and early 2004, may alarm those unattached and marriage-minded.

"The last thing you want is to have them take this as a rule," says Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash. "If you're in a good relationship and if you want to marry, there's no reason to postpone it."
Andrew Cherlin, a professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, says marrying too young or too old carries a greater risk of divorce. But now, "as people wait longer and longer to marry, the definition of what's too old keeps changing."

"In the 1950s, 28 was really old to get married. Now it's not so old, which means there are more unmarried people for a 28-year-old to choose from," he says.

Frank Furstenberg, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, says the times are so different that past assumptions should be rejected. "The dregs in 1960 may have been people marrying in their late 20s and early 30s," he says. "That isn't true today."

USAToday

Engaged and Spiritually-Mismatched

Why is it that so many engaged couples are spiritually mismatched? As pre-marriage mentors, Sheri and I see many couples — around ten couples per year — where one person is not a Christian.

Often, the believer is fairly mature. He or she certainly knows what biblical Christianity is, but chooses to overlook this critical relational (and spiritual) element. Many hope for a conversion sometime in their married life, an event Lee Strobel  calls conjugal evangelism. Risky indeed.

Fortunately, we make evangelism a priority; and fortunately, God orients these couples so they are prepared to do spiritual business with us. Many come to Christ during our mentoring sessions. Fortunately.

Sometimes it's apparent we're the hired guns. The believer is praying, hoping that we'll do the "dirty work" and share Jesus with the unbelieving partner.

Other times the believer is sitting on the edge of his seat, red-faced, panicked that we'll offend his fiancé or cause conflict between them.

Our pre-marriage mentoring process is a spiritual safety net.

If you are in a spiritually mismatched dating or engaged relationship — step back, pause, and think this through. You're at a disadvantage: evangelizing the one you love can be very delicate and complex. Consider the future: It's okay to be spiritually optimistic, but consider the risk and the prospect of partnering with a non-believing spouse for a long, long time.

Are you in church leadership or in marriage ministry? I urge you to get serious about pre-marriage mentoring and make evangelism a priority.

Wedding Planning: The First Big Relationship Challenge

To have a successful marriage, couples need to learn how to make decisions together, and wedding planning offers the perfect planning vehicle...

1. Recognize the Challenge, Embrace the Opportunity
2. Explore Your Personal Wedding Visions
3. Plan the Planning Process First
4. Create Your Action Plan
5. Stay Connected: Using Communication, Conflict Resolution and Intimacy Skills
6. Stay Centered: The Keys to Stress Management
7. Take a Marriage Preparation Class
   
   Read the Article

The Learning Curve

This morning, counseling a couple in their final pre-marriage mentoring session, I wanted to recap with a few brilliant words of wisdom. I gave them my Learning Curve story.

Not particularly clever or original, this story describes my own skills disorder figuring out the basics of happy marriage. Oh, I’m sure my wife will claim her share of the blame. It takes two. But if I had come around sooner, I believe our own marriage would have turned the corner much sooner.

This couple has personality issues – which means they frequently get on each others nerves. They are very different people, and there is a temptation to change each other.

My advice was this:

• You can’t change each other. Don’t try.
• Be flexible – most of the time you’ll never resolve major issues. Learn to distinguish solvable problems.
• Be a servant. Serve each other.
• Respect each other.

Small changes make big improvements. The faster you get on board with the fundamentals, the sooner you’ll have a strong, satisfying marriage.

Some advice for young newlyweds

Just read an article at Forbes related to a core value we emphasize in our pre-marriage mentoring sessions. It's reassuring to see the same advice from a Financial Planner...

Financial troubles can wreck a marriage.

Many young couples aren't comfortable talking about financial issues and to avoid conflict, many simply don't discuss them.

Our number one suggestion is that couples develop a budget outlining income and routine expenses.  Without a budget, many young couples simply spend money as quickly as they earn it and are unprepared for the first bout of unemployment. You don't want to be between jobs without a rainy day fund.

Secondly, talk about your finance picture. And if you find yourself in deep weeds, get counseling.

Question: Do you want to stay together or not? Put away the goo-goo eyes and get serious about your financial future.

Teenage Pregnancy

I recently came across a new book written by Ruth Bell Graham called, I'm Pregnant, Now What? It is amazingly honest and I give Ruth a great deal of credit for coming forward with her story and that of her daughter.

Within the Christian community I've found this to be a silent topic. As Christian parents, we bury our heads in the sand; our kid's sexuality is above reproach. We'd never consider them having sex prior to marriage.

From my own personal experience and pain with my two daughters and three pregnancies prior to marriage, it does happen.  I always spoke to my girls about abstinence, honoring God with their minds and their bodies and many others things.  They chose a different path.

What it has shown me is - I'm not a perfect parent and my daughters are not perfect children.  There is no such thing.  I've been reminded by God that I am a child with many faults and many sins of my own that have been forgiven over and over again.  I always expected perfection from my daughters in their sexuality, but I was not perfect in my choices as a teen either.  Were you?

Parents, love your children through their choices - good or bad.  Remember the grace God has given you when you have been less than obedient.  And - talk about it. Share this with people in your church.  It needs to be talked about more openly and honestly.  Teen pregancy statistics are not all that different with children raised in Christian homes.

I'm Pregnant, Now What? by Ruth Graham

Pre-Marital Counseling

Before my wife and I were married (24 years ago) we saw our pastor for premarital counseling. Only it really wasn't... it was pre-wedding counseling. The only thing he said that touched on marriage was his advise to not marry someone whose parents were divorced (mine had divorced a couple of years earlier). The rest of the sessions (I remember there being 2 or 3) focused on the wedding ceremony: who would stand where, what we were going to say in the vows, etc.

I enjoy doing premarital counseling. In fact, I feel a little guilty because it's usually a lot of fun and not very hard work. Much of what I do is pre-re-marriage counseling. Two people who have both been divorced before and want to make sure they don't repeat the same mistakes this time around. Often, it turns into a form of family counseling when I ask them to bring the kids in and we begin looking at how to blend them into one family.

This is one area in which the local church take a much stronger lead. Older couples could be involved in a ministry that combines premarital counseling with marriage mentoring. Something that would take the couple from a few months before the wedding through the first year of marriage. This is the kind of thing I read about, talk about, but very rarely see in action. Is anyone's church offering this type of ministry?

(Bowden McElroy)

•The Growthtrac Pre-Marriage page
•Growthtrac Church Resources

New Statistics on Wedding Costs

The wedding industry is now a $50 billion industry according to a new study published by Forbes Magazine. The average wedding in the U.S. today costs over $23,000 and includes an average of168
guests, 100 of whom actually give wedding gifts that average $85 each. But the costs of attending a wedding are not limited to the gift—amazingly the typical guest spends on average $500 to attend
the event when new attire, travel, gas, parking and hairstyling are factored in. In the Bay Area, we have been told by wedding professionals that the average wedding costs $30, 000- $50, 000 and we all know many couples who have spent over $100, 000 on their wedding!

Wedding couples report that almost half of them spent more on
their weddings than they had intended, often relying on credit
cards to make up the difference. In terms of wedding gifts, cash
is the most preferred gift while bric-a-brac the least preferred.
If all the wedding costs are added up and invested at a 10%
annual return rate, it would cover the costs of a private college
tuition for an infant born on the wedding day.

Forbes reported that Liza Minnelli’s fourth wedding cost $7000
for each day that the marriage lasted. The wedding of Catherine
Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas cost between $1.5 and $2 million
dollars but was offset by the sale of exclusive photos to a
British magazine for $1.6 million and a $24,000 settlement again
another British magazine for publishing unauthorized photos. With
all that dough on the table, you may wonder if a pre-nuptial
agreement was part of the deal? You bet. With Hollywood marriages
breaking up faster than you can say “Brad and Jen”, pre-nups are
almost as common as marriage vows. In Zeta-Jones case, if the
marriage breaks up, she gets $2.8 million for each year that the
marriage lasts.

Source: Marriage Prep 101 Quarterly Newsletter