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Example, What Example?

Do you have a good example of what an awesome marriage looks like?

Let's be honest, very seldom do we see a marriage that we truly admire.  A marriage that displays deep caring, respect, honesty and hints of serving the other.  And, when we catch a glimpse of a couple that's too lovey-dovey, we cringe and snicker at their silliness.

Have you ever thought to ask these affectionate friends what makes them happy? Do you wish that a little of that would rub off on your marriage?

Personally, I'm drawn to couples like this because they build into my marriage.  What do I see in their example?

• Words of Affirmation... they don't put each other down in front of others

• Serving...there is a willingness to put their spouses needs above their own

• Touch...they kiss, hold hands and hug in front of others

• The Face...there aren't any scowling eyebrows, rolling eyes and snarling lips

• Connection...they frequently connect with other couples and do life with them.  They show up for others during difficult times. 

• Laughter...there seems to be a feeling of joy when you're around them with the sharing of funny stories and life experiences.

• Work...they work at their marriage.  They're not afraid to admit they go to marriage seminars or that they have been to a counselor for tune-ups.

• God...there is a deep connection to Him through individual times of prayer and weekly attendance in a church as well as serving others through ministry or volunteering.

Very seldom do I run into couples that exhibit these characteristics.

Can I dream of having a marriage that resembles these attributes?  I know I can, because God longs to give us the desires of our hearts. God wants us to have awesome marriages and not settle for average.

How can you best align your marriage to your dream marriage?

• Don't do marriage alone. 
• Seek out a mentor couple for an example of what an awesome marriage can be. They will fill you up when you're running on empty; provide wise counsel, and encouragement.  And best of all, they will pray for your marriage.

Marriage GPS

On a recent trip, Jim and I had the opportunity to borrow a Garmin (GPS) device. At first, when this little gadget of wonders talks back to you, it’s rather fun. As you make wrong turns, it alerts you with the words — “RECALCULATING!”

We were navigating downtown Dallas fairly well, until, we found ourselves on the wrong ramp heading north of the city instead of south. With each new turn Jim made, we heard the words “recalculating”. The Garmin recalculated so many times it eventually became silent. I think it gave up. And, I know Jim wished he could throw it out the window.

As we were flying home a few days later, we discussed the similarities between the Garmin and our relationship. Really, we do have crazy discussions like this.

There have been times in our marriage when we've tried to speak truth about the wrong direction one of us is taking. Similar to the Garmin, we were attempting to recalculate the other toward eliminating sinful behavior or making decisions that would derail us from loving God or each other well.

Taking wrong directions in marriage can be very subtle.

1. I’ll spend a little more time at the office tonight. My spouse won’t care.
2. I'll go out to lunch with this co-worker of the opposite sex. It's just business.
3. I’m spending a little extra money on myself. I deserve it and it won’t make a difference in our budget this month.
4. Stopping for a drink or two after work is okay.
5. Everyone occasionally loses his or her temper, right?
6. We don’t need a date night; sitting on the couch is fine.
7. The kid’s needs and activities are more important than ours.
8. Get-a-way weekends are a luxury and not necessary.
9. Viewing porn or spending time in chat rooms is okay — if I keep it under control.
10. Participating in my hobbies several times a week isn’t a problem.

Is it time to recalculate?

Do You Deserve a Klondike Bar?

For you guys still scratching your heads, here's a visual of what I was talking about in a previous post. Guys, it's the little things that make a difference.

Motorcycle Viagra

I know the warning signs...

You turn 50, you find yourself Googling "skate boarding" and "Nepal hotels" and ... visiting motorcycle shops.

On impulse, Sheri and I made that unplanned stop last summer. We toured the showroom. Harmless enough. We sat on a few; talked "motorcycle" with the owner; and thought maybe someday we too could experience that free riding, wind in your hair feeling. 

Now that the kids are gone and we're looking for more ways to spend  "us" time, riding a bike together does have it's appeal. I envision riding with other couples, taking road trips together — think of the experiences!

Statistics show that most fatal crashes involve new motorcycle drivers. And the majority of those are guys my age. No doubt, guys like me, inflicted with mid-life motorcycle passion.  That scares me.

Why couldn't mid-life have hit me at 24? It would've been much easier.

Last week I got my learner's permit and I'm scheduled for riding classes this summer. Yes, classes.

Watch for Part Two: Jim and Sheri Shop For Leather.

Oh, I should mention: this was Sheri's idea.

Men and Nail Polish?

Most of us guys know the importance of seeking out — and creating — environments that are conducive to positive spousal response. The longer you're married, the more you are aware of those negative and positive environments and how they can affect your marriage relationship.

For example, I've learned that completing my Saturday to-do list can mean the difference between a happy wife and a lonely weekend. A completed to-do list makes a happy wife. I know this through experience.

I know Sheri needs quality couch time every day. This is where we sit close and I make eye contact while listening to how her day went. This is something I need to do...

A New Kind of Purity - Anal Sex or Oral Sex

Couples — Even Christian couples — have come to believe that engaging in oral sex or anal sex is the way to maintain virginity and avoid pregnancy.

Hey, there's a reason it's called Anal Sex and Oral Sex — it's sex.

It's not a workaround solution to maintaining virginity.  It's still intimate, you're still naked, climax is still a real possibility and it's a very intimate way to share your sexuality with someone you're not married to.

There's a suggestion we lay out there to the couples my husband and I mentor.  Here goes:

What level of intimacy would you display in front of your parents, siblings or friends?  That should be the intimacy standard in your dating relationship.

By the way, pregnancy is still a possibility even when intercourse has not occured.  Sperm — even a man's clear pre-cum fluid — has a radar that often navigates it's way into the vagina, even through non-intercourse activity.

The ultimate way to safeguard your purity, if you honestly want to follow God's design for your relationship, is to keep the clothes on. 

There really is no "workaround" to maintaining purity.  Either you're pure or you're not.  It's a mindset of obedience to God.

Romans 12:2 — Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

An Awesome "Thank You" From the Newlyweds!

Recently, our daughter married the love of her life in a really cool, but different setting: the second floor of a theatrical building.

The venue had three distinct and different rooms: a Brides' Room complete with fireplace, couches and love seats; a simply decorated Ceremony Room; and an Artsy Room for the luncheon. Guests gathered for the ceremony, followed by hors d'oeuvre back in the bride's room, finishing a few steps away into the luncheon room. The genre was very intimate for their 50 guests.

The second floor treasure had many windows that overlooked a quaint downtown area of the city. Sunlight poured in beginning with the 11 am ceremony and lasted until we finished the luncheon at 1 pm. A Christian music CD played in the background for the entire time. Soft drinks, juices and coffee/tea were served — it was perfect!

The officiate was an elder from their church who had a lengthy relationship with them ... there was one bride's maid and groom's man... and... and... The chef was The Former chief “cullinarian” for World Wrestling Entertainment under Vince McMahon. Think of that!

There were many touching moments that gripped our hearts, but one consistently remains at the forefront still today: their comments thanking all of us who witnessed their ceremony at the end of the luncheon. They expressed that everyone who should have been there that day were there because of the significant part they played during my daughter and son-in-law's sexually pure courtship. They indicated that the list was virtually easy to develop. It wasn't a matter of friends or relatives or people at work or fifth-cousins on their in-laws side — just those who genuinely and significantly had a Christian impact on their lives.

Of all the weddings that Erika and I have attended within the past 15 years as pre-marriage mentors, we have never been so touched by a thank you such as that.

As they gathered their gifts and were about to drive off into ecstasy, I whispered in my newest son-in-law's left ear.... Be gentle, Son!!!

He winked, smiled and kissed me back on my cheek. He knew what I meant!

Sex: "Business Time" ...

Intimacy in marriage is a curious thing.  So often the ideals and dreams that we have about intimacy going into marriage don’t materialize into fairy-tale, or even Hollywood realities.

In the movies and storybooks, the conditions are always perfect:  soft lights, romantic music, eager participants and lots of time.  Enter the real world, with out-of-control schedules, demanding children, financial stresses, relational struggles and tired spouses.  Sometimes it’s all we can do to just come together—and we often simply settle for what we can get.

See if you can relate to this humorous video about Business Time from a group called, Flight of the Conchords.  While we don’t endorse everything these guys do, we thought they did a nice job of capturing some of the realities of marital intimacy—once the shine has come off the apple a bit.  We thought it might bring a chuckle to your day.

Let us know what you think.

Long Time, No Blogging

To our loyal readers and subscribers, my apologies for the light activity here on the blog. We've been busy launching Growthtrac Radio and with marriage events and ministry coaching. Now that the dust has settled I hope to get this baby back on track.

Thanks. Talk soon.

Spontaneous Romance

In the world of romance, expedience counts. How many times have you forgotten that fleeting romantic thought? What distracts you as you drive by the Hallmark? You meant to call and say I love you, but you forgot.

Turn those romantic thoughts into actions simply by — doing it!

When the thoughts hits, act on it. And there's nothing wrong with scheduling those spontaneous moments in your Blackberry or pasting Post-It reminders in your car. Adjust your routine so it's easier to act.

I discovered years ago that flower deliveries were much more efficient with an open account at the flower shop. Simply speed-dial from the cell phone (no looking up credit card info) and call it in. It doesn't get any more spontaneous than that!