Growthtrac insidetrac, Life Changing Marriage Resources

New Marriage Blog

I think you'll like Sheri Mueller's new blog over at sherimueller.com
Sheri is the co-founder of Growthtrac (and my better two-thirds).

Check it out now and enjoy.

Invest In Your Spouse

Here's a fresh take on a message we evangelize often: put your spouse first.
From Jay and Laura at Celebrate Marriage.

A friend of mine is a stock broker and recently relayed this story.

He was on the phone with a client who was bemoaning the fact that she was always exhausted. She worked full time and when she came home devoted her total attention to her 5 year old daughter until it was time for the daughter to go to bed. Then, the client relayed she would collapse into bed and start all over the next day.

At this point my friend stopped with the financial advice and asked “Can I give you some personal advice?” “Sure” replied the client. My friend then said he felt led by the Lord to tell his client that she needed to come home from work and focus on her husband instead of the daughter.

He went on to say that there was a period in his marriage where his wife was a great mother but not a great wife and that their marriage went “sideways” for about 10 years.  He said that by focusing on her husband, the daughter would be better off in the long run.

The client then told my friend that there had been a few times in her life where she felt “direct Divine intervention” and that this was one of those times. She was going to go home and talk this through with her husband and begin to focus on him.

My friend said he left work that day feeling better than if he’d sold a million dollars in stock!

Invest in your spouse and reap both immediate and eternal dividends.

Couples Who Pray Together, A New Study

A new book — Couples Who Pray — is capturing the attention of ministry leaders who realize they have an opportunity to raise the security of marriages and families simply by challenging couples to pray together on a regular basis.

Baylor University evaluated research associated with the book. The findings revealed that frequent prayer produced significant results:

• Spousal communication increased
• Respect increased
• Agreement became the norm
• Happiness increased
• Satisfaction in intimacy increased

Hey! That's what we've been saying all along!

Check out coupleswhopray.com

Source: Willow magazine

Six Little Words = Awesome Intimacy

I heard the words...

They touched my heart and it started beating wildly in my chest...

I stopped in my tracks, I had to catch my breath...

The words that touched my soul to its inner depths and made my toes tingle...

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?

In marriage, these magical words of understanding have a way of deflating conflict and moving a couple toward intimacy.

Hearing the words what can I do to help? makes you feel that someone genuinely cares about your well-being and the load on your shoulders.  It eases the stress of a long and tiresome day.

When you experience a moment where your spouse wants to put your needs above their own and serve you, it opens your heart to connect with them.  The more we connect our hearts as husband and wife, the deeper our intimacy grows.

Next time you see your spouse running around in circles trying to accomplish 101 things in their day, say these loving words ... what can I do to help?

A word of caution the first time you use them - be prepared to perform CPR.

Serving and Submitting

If you've been reading here for a while, you know one thing we're passionate about is serving your spouse. We talk about it often.

Jon over at Stuff Christians Like -- by the way, one of my favorite blogs -- wrote an outstanding post on this topic. Check it out.

The Cost of Divorce

$112 Billion and Rising!

Thanks to Phil Waugh at Covenant Marriage.

When we begin to assess the cost of divorce in our nation we can take a historical look back through time and with a great degree of confidence claim that divorce in our nation has taken a toll on our society.

Our nation has suffered greatly, at the hands of the judicial system, when it comes to the destruction of the home through the administering of the "no-fault" divorce laws enacted back in 1970. This has been very costly.

On the average, couples in the US spend $28,732 on their wedding. This does not include the honeymoon or wedding rings. This would be considered healthy to our nation's economy while on the other hand, a divorce costs the federal government approximately $30,000. Greater than this, family fragmentation costs U.S. taxpayers at least $112 billion each and every year.

As of April 15, 2008 we have a study that focuses on the Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-Ever Estimates for the Nation and all Fifty States. This study provides us with some truly startling and quite significant information regarding the rising cost of divorce to our nation and the inevitable cost to taxpayers. The figures quoted within the body of these findings were very conservative, even to a fault, according to some individuals.

The study's purpose was to provide credible evidence that marriage is economically healthy to our nation while divorce and unwed childbearing create a strain on our nation's finances.

The researchers of this study estimate that "family fragmentation costs U.S. taxpayers at least $112 billion each and every year, or more than $1 trillion each decade."  These cost figures are derived from "increased taxpayer expenditures for antipoverty, criminal justice, and educational programs," and decreased levels of taxes received from individuals, who are earning less due to reduced opportunities."

This $112 billion figure includes expenditures on federal, state, and local levels.  So, whose responsibility is it to begin the process of correcting this financial strain on our pocketbooks?  The answer, it is everybody's responsibility.  All three levels of government need to initiate programs designed to strengthen marriages rather than supporting their demise.

This Report acknowledges that even the slightest increase in stable marriage rates through these programs would result in very large savings for taxpayers.  "If the federal marriage initiative, for example, succeeds in reducing family fragmentation by just 1%, U.S. taxpayers will save an estimated $1.1 billion each and every year."  Even the slightest of endeavors to strengthen marriages in our nation would result in tremendous capital assets to taxpayers.

We have been experiencing the "social costs" of increased divorce and unmarried childbearing for decades.  These social costs include, but are not limited to, children who suffer from increased risks of poverty, mental illness, infant mortality, physical illness, juvenile delinquency and adult criminality, sexual abuse and other forms of family violence, economic hardship, substance abuse, and educational failure, such as increased risk of dropping out of school.1  These costs continue to increase as divorce and unmarried childbearing continue to rise.

It is time for us as a nation to initiate changes within local, state, and federal programs to strengthen marriages and begin turning the tide on the rising costs of the bottom line of divorce.  It is up to us, the taxpayers who are footing the bill, to call our legislators and public officials into account for initiating change within our government agencies to provide programs to strengthen marriage and enact laws that protect marriage for the good of our society.  The buck needs to stop right here and right now!

1W. Bradford Wilcox et al., Why Marriage Matters: 26 Conclusions from the Social Sciences, 2005)

Example, What Example?

Do you have a good example of what an awesome marriage looks like?

Let's be honest, very seldom do we see a marriage that we truly admire.  A marriage that displays deep caring, respect, honesty and hints of serving the other.  And, when we catch a glimpse of a couple that's too lovey-dovey, we cringe and snicker at their silliness.

Have you ever thought to ask these affectionate friends what makes them happy? Do you wish that a little of that would rub off on your marriage?

Personally, I'm drawn to couples like this because they build into my marriage.  What do I see in their example?

• Words of Affirmation... they don't put each other down in front of others

• Serving...there is a willingness to put their spouses needs above their own

• Touch...they kiss, hold hands and hug in front of others

• The Face...there aren't any scowling eyebrows, rolling eyes and snarling lips

• Connection...they frequently connect with other couples and do life with them.  They show up for others during difficult times. 

• Laughter...there seems to be a feeling of joy when you're around them with the sharing of funny stories and life experiences.

• Work...they work at their marriage.  They're not afraid to admit they go to marriage seminars or that they have been to a counselor for tune-ups.

• God...there is a deep connection to Him through individual times of prayer and weekly attendance in a church as well as serving others through ministry or volunteering.

Very seldom do I run into couples that exhibit these characteristics.

Can I dream of having a marriage that resembles these attributes?  I know I can, because God longs to give us the desires of our hearts. God wants us to have awesome marriages and not settle for average.

How can you best align your marriage to your dream marriage?

• Don't do marriage alone. 
• Seek out a mentor couple for an example of what an awesome marriage can be. They will fill you up when you're running on empty; provide wise counsel, and encouragement.  And best of all, they will pray for your marriage.

Marriage GPS

On a recent trip, Jim and I had the opportunity to borrow a Garmin (GPS) device. At first, when this little gadget of wonders talks back to you, it’s rather fun. As you make wrong turns, it alerts you with the words — “RECALCULATING!”

We were navigating downtown Dallas fairly well, until, we found ourselves on the wrong ramp heading north of the city instead of south. With each new turn Jim made, we heard the words “recalculating”. The Garmin recalculated so many times it eventually became silent. I think it gave up. And, I know Jim wished he could throw it out the window.

As we were flying home a few days later, we discussed the similarities between the Garmin and our relationship. Really, we do have crazy discussions like this.

There have been times in our marriage when we've tried to speak truth about the wrong direction one of us is taking. Similar to the Garmin, we were attempting to recalculate the other toward eliminating sinful behavior or making decisions that would derail us from loving God or each other well.

Taking wrong directions in marriage can be very subtle.

1. I’ll spend a little more time at the office tonight. My spouse won’t care.
2. I'll go out to lunch with this co-worker of the opposite sex. It's just business.
3. I’m spending a little extra money on myself. I deserve it and it won’t make a difference in our budget this month.
4. Stopping for a drink or two after work is okay.
5. Everyone occasionally loses his or her temper, right?
6. We don’t need a date night; sitting on the couch is fine.
7. The kid’s needs and activities are more important than ours.
8. Get-a-way weekends are a luxury and not necessary.
9. Viewing porn or spending time in chat rooms is okay — if I keep it under control.
10. Participating in my hobbies several times a week isn’t a problem.

Is it time to recalculate?

Do You Deserve a Klondike Bar?

For you guys still scratching your heads, here's a visual of what I was talking about in a previous post. Guys, it's the little things that make a difference.

Motorcycle Viagra

I know the warning signs...

You turn 50, you find yourself Googling "skate boarding" and "Nepal hotels" and ... visiting motorcycle shops.

On impulse, Sheri and I made that unplanned stop last summer. We toured the showroom. Harmless enough. We sat on a few; talked "motorcycle" with the owner; and thought maybe someday we too could experience that free riding, wind in your hair feeling. 

Now that the kids are gone and we're looking for more ways to spend  "us" time, riding a bike together does have it's appeal. I envision riding with other couples, taking road trips together — think of the experiences!

Statistics show that most fatal crashes involve new motorcycle drivers. And the majority of those are guys my age. No doubt, guys like me, inflicted with mid-life motorcycle passion.  That scares me.

Why couldn't mid-life have hit me at 24? It would've been much easier.

Last week I got my learner's permit and I'm scheduled for riding classes this summer. Yes, classes.

Watch for Part Two: Jim and Sheri Shop For Leather.

Oh, I should mention: this was Sheri's idea.

Men and Nail Polish?

Most of us guys know the importance of seeking out — and creating — environments that are conducive to positive spousal response. The longer you're married, the more you are aware of those negative and positive environments and how they can affect your marriage relationship.

For example, I've learned that completing my Saturday to-do list can mean the difference between a happy wife and a lonely weekend. A completed to-do list makes a happy wife. I know this through experience.

I know Sheri needs quality couch time every day. This is where we sit close and I make eye contact while listening to how her day went. This is something I need to do...

A New Kind of Purity - Anal Sex or Oral Sex

Couples — Even Christian couples — have come to believe that engaging in oral sex or anal sex is the way to maintain virginity and avoid pregnancy.

Hey, there's a reason it's called Anal Sex and Oral Sex — it's sex.

It's not a workaround solution to maintaining virginity.  It's still intimate, you're still naked, climax is still a real possibility and it's a very intimate way to share your sexuality with someone you're not married to.

There's a suggestion we lay out there to the couples my husband and I mentor.  Here goes:

What level of intimacy would you display in front of your parents, siblings or friends?  That should be the intimacy standard in your dating relationship.

By the way, pregnancy is still a possibility even when intercourse has not occured.  Sperm — even a man's clear pre-cum fluid — has a radar that often navigates it's way into the vagina, even through non-intercourse activity.

The ultimate way to safeguard your purity, if you honestly want to follow God's design for your relationship, is to keep the clothes on. 

There really is no "workaround" to maintaining purity.  Either you're pure or you're not.  It's a mindset of obedience to God.

Romans 12:2 — Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

An Awesome "Thank You" From the Newlyweds!

Recently, our daughter married the love of her life in a really cool, but different setting: the second floor of a theatrical building.

The venue had three distinct and different rooms: a Brides' Room complete with fireplace, couches and love seats; a simply decorated Ceremony Room; and an Artsy Room for the luncheon. Guests gathered for the ceremony, followed by hors d'oeuvre back in the bride's room, finishing a few steps away into the luncheon room. The genre was very intimate for their 50 guests.

The second floor treasure had many windows that overlooked a quaint downtown area of the city. Sunlight poured in beginning with the 11 am ceremony and lasted until we finished the luncheon at 1 pm. A Christian music CD played in the background for the entire time. Soft drinks, juices and coffee/tea were served — it was perfect!

The officiate was an elder from their church who had a lengthy relationship with them ... there was one bride's maid and groom's man... and... and... The chef was The Former chief “cullinarian” for World Wrestling Entertainment under Vince McMahon. Think of that!

There were many touching moments that gripped our hearts, but one consistently remains at the forefront still today: their comments thanking all of us who witnessed their ceremony at the end of the luncheon. They expressed that everyone who should have been there that day were there because of the significant part they played during my daughter and son-in-law's sexually pure courtship. They indicated that the list was virtually easy to develop. It wasn't a matter of friends or relatives or people at work or fifth-cousins on their in-laws side — just those who genuinely and significantly had a Christian impact on their lives.

Of all the weddings that Erika and I have attended within the past 15 years as pre-marriage mentors, we have never been so touched by a thank you such as that.

As they gathered their gifts and were about to drive off into ecstasy, I whispered in my newest son-in-law's left ear.... Be gentle, Son!!!

He winked, smiled and kissed me back on my cheek. He knew what I meant!

Sex: "Business Time" ...

Intimacy in marriage is a curious thing.  So often the ideals and dreams that we have about intimacy going into marriage don’t materialize into fairy-tale, or even Hollywood realities.

In the movies and storybooks, the conditions are always perfect:  soft lights, romantic music, eager participants and lots of time.  Enter the real world, with out-of-control schedules, demanding children, financial stresses, relational struggles and tired spouses.  Sometimes it’s all we can do to just come together—and we often simply settle for what we can get.

See if you can relate to this humorous video about Business Time from a group called, Flight of the Conchords.  While we don’t endorse everything these guys do, we thought they did a nice job of capturing some of the realities of marital intimacy—once the shine has come off the apple a bit.  We thought it might bring a chuckle to your day.

Let us know what you think.

Long Time, No Blogging

To our loyal readers and subscribers, my apologies for the light activity here on the blog. We've been busy launching Growthtrac Radio and with marriage events and ministry coaching. Now that the dust has settled I hope to get this baby back on track.

Thanks. Talk soon.

Spontaneous Romance

In the world of romance, expedience counts. How many times have you forgotten that fleeting romantic thought? What distracts you as you drive by the Hallmark? You meant to call and say I love you, but you forgot.

Turn those romantic thoughts into actions simply by — doing it!

When the thoughts hits, act on it. And there's nothing wrong with scheduling those spontaneous moments in your Blackberry or pasting Post-It reminders in your car. Adjust your routine so it's easier to act.

I discovered years ago that flower deliveries were much more efficient with an open account at the flower shop. Simply speed-dial from the cell phone (no looking up credit card info) and call it in. It doesn't get any more spontaneous than that!

The Heart of The Matter

The temperature of my marriage is directly correlated to my heart connection to God.  Cold...lukewarm... or burning with desire.

The condition of the heart is such an important issue that there are over 700 references in scripture using the word heart.

God's wants us to have a marriage beyond our wildest dreams. In order to have the marriage of our dreams, we need a personal daily God connection by being in His word and connecting through prayer with our spouse.  This won't happen if He is an afterthought in the midst of our busy days.

I had to do a schedule check.  What was filling my days?  Errands, phone calls, work, kids, hobbies, e-mail and television?  This world drowns out God with noise and chaos - I couldn't listen to Him if I wanted to.  Not true.

There is one book that has dramatically changed how I listen to God and do heart checks - The Divine Mentor by Wayne Cordeiro. 

A heart check starts with you. 

Pull out the thermometer.

Cold? Lukewarm?  Or, burning with desire?

Growthtrac Radio

Our new streamed radio station, Growthtrac Radio, launches this Wednesday 30-Jan, but you can listen now at www.growthtracradio.com

Growthtrac Radio is 24-7 contemporary Christian music -- plus great programming for your marriage. Enjoy.

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Buying vs Renting

From Willard F. Harley via our buddy Bowden, at Counseling Notes

When a couple live together before marriage, they tend to be “renters.” By that I mean that they view their relationship much as they would renting an apartment. If something goes wrong in an apartment, the landlord is expected to fix it — if it needs paint, the landlord paints it; if it needs repairs, the landlord does the repairing. In other words, the renter is not responsible for making the apartment suitable for living — the landlord is responsible. And if the apartment is not repaired, the tenant isn’t expected to fix the apartment himself, he simply moves to another apartment if he doesn’t like the one he is renting.

On the other hand, when couples marry before they live together, they tend to be “buyers.” Much like buying a house, these couples realize that if anything needs fixing, they will have to fix it — the sooner, the better. Their marriage is not a test of how livable their relationship is, but rather, it’s a commitment to make their relationship livable. That means that when a problem first surfaces, they go right to work fixing it, knowing that if they don’t fix it soon, it can lead to an even bigger problem later.

New Marriage Stats ...

From our friends at Life Innovations. 

Of the 2.3 million marriages in 2006, about half (53%) take place in a religious setting.

The average cost of a wedding is $27,500.

Married households are barely above 50%. Of the U.S. 111 million households, 52% are now made up of married couples with and without children.

25th Wedding Anniversary becoming more rare. There is less than a 50% chance that couples currently married will reach their 25th anniversary.

Divorce Rate continues about 50%. While the average divorce rate is 50%, it is 40% for first marriage, 60% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages.

The seven year itch continues. Couples separate on the average seven years after marriage and divorce after eight.

Over 90% of people get married once. But those marrying are waiting until they are older and they are less likely to remarry following a divorce.

Rate of Cohabitation Escalates. Over 6 million couples now cohabit, a dramatic increase from only 500,000 cohabiting couples in 1970.

Growthtrac Radio! ...

Coming Soon: Growthtrac Radio.

In the next couple of months, Growthtrac will launch a new 24-7 Christian Music Web Radio Station. And not just great Christian music, but the same great content you love on our mother ship, Growthtrac.com — Plus exciting new programming!


Think of it... Marriage Radio: Great Christian music
and intelligence for your marriage.

Listen to our Demo here!

The Top Ten Myths of Divorce

From Rutgers, Discussion of the most common misinformation about divorce.

Me, My or We

The words “me” or “my” have no place in marriage. They are selfish words.

Some examples —

• I expect someone to share my burdens, concerns, joy and laughter – often
• I expect someone to support me emotionally, financially and spiritually
• I expect someone to reflect my tastes and values
• I expect someone to amplify my strengths and offset my weaknesses
• I expect someone to be responsible for my personal happiness and complete me
• I expect someone to know my every thought before I say it

Each time the word me or my is used, it leaves out the word we. Let’s take a different look at the statements above —

• We can share burdens, concerns, joy and laughter together – often
• We can support each other emotionally, financially and spiritually
• We can work toward understanding each other’s tastes and values
• We can build up each other’s strengths and allow God to work on our weaknesses.
• We can work at building each other up with words of kindness that bring happiness to each other.
• We understand that building communication skills are important and we cannot read the other’s mind.

When the word we is exchanged for my, the dynamics change and so does the focus.

In marriage, there is only one place where the word my can be used —

I am responsible for growing my relationship with God and spending time in the Word — daily. It’s my responsibility — no one else’s.

This one single responsibility makes a difference between a marriage that thrives and a marriage that dies.

My choice.

Dads: Time is Slipping Away...

A friend of mine copied me on a bedtime dialog he had with his girls the other night. My daughters are grown and it struck me how fast they're off to college and married and how we -- especially dads -- need to slow down and value every minute. Enjoy.

At times, when I’m tucking in my eight-year-old daughter, Jenna, or just walking with her hand-in-hand, I’ll say something like this to her:

“You know, Jenna, if they lined up all the little girls in the world and told me I could have my pick of any one of them to be my daughter, I’d look them all over…and I’d pick you”.

I wish the sentiment was original with me, but I have to admit that I heard it before somewhere else.  Still, it’s a sweet way to let my little girl know that she is precious, special and irreplaceable to me.

Tonight, Jenna tried to return the favor to me.  She said,

“You know, Daddy, If they lined up all the daddies in the world for me to pick from, and you were there, and if one of them looked like a penguin, do you think I would pick that one?”

At first I was taken aback and a little confused with her version of it, but I responded, playfully, “Yes”.

Jenna replied,

“No…I’d pick you.”  Then she added, “Even though I really love penguins.”

Well, it’s good to know I made the cut…even though I was apparently almost beaten out by a penguin.

The National Marriage Project

Recently I was given a copy of The National Marriage Project for 2007, a Rutgers University study, done annually since 1999. The Project’s mission is to provide research and analysis on the state of marriage in America and to educate the public on the social, economic and cultural conditions affecting marital success and well-being. 

 

In this year’s essay, Dr. David Popenoe argues that the long-term trends point to the gradual weakening of marriage as the primary social institution in America. He attributes this weakening of marriage to:

...a broad cultural shift away from religion and social traditionalism and toward faith in personal independence and tolerance for diverse life styles, otherwise known as 'secular individualism'. This cultural shift is a central feature of modern societies and therefore, unlikely to be reversed.

 

Secular individualism features the gradual abandonment of religious attendance and beliefs, a strong leaning toward expressive values that are preoccupied with personal autonomy and self-fulfillment.

 

What struck me is, we're becoming a culture that is more me-dependent and less God- dependent. Our culture is devouring marriage/family and throwing it on the trash pile to idolize self-fulfillment.

 

This hit a nerve with me. Recently I received a note from a woman in her early 30’s who ended her marriage of almost five years because they “realized that we're great people with a lot to offer, but we were not fully expressing our individual potential with one another.” Hmmm… sounds like self-fulfillment to me.

 

As Christians, our marriages and families should be reflecting the light of Christ — they’re not. They should be making a difference for Christ — they’re not. More and more, we are adapting to our culture instead of our culture adapting to us. 

 

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. - Romans 12:2(NLT)

 

We should be making a difference.

 

• Is our Lord an inconvenience in our day-to-day busyness?
• Are we spending time in church and in community will fellow believers? 
• Are we taking time to know our neighbors and do life with them?
• Are we self-serving or other-serving?
• Are our days filled with what is on the “me” list? 

 

That’s not the way Christ lived his life. 

 

...Neither should we as His proclaimed followers.

 

 

 

Health Benefits of Tying the Knot

From HealthDay News: Marriage offers real benefits to a person's mental and physical health, research has found. Some examples:

• Better general health than non-married people, and fewer illnesses.
• Lower incidence of alcoholism.
• Lower rate of suicide.
• Fewer average time spent in hospitals than non-married people, and faster rates of recovery.
• Stronger immune system.
• Less risk of depression, and reduced stress and anxiety

Grande Community

I caught an interesting article at Psychology Today. The article talks about the rapid growth of Starbucks and, among other things, attributes that contribute to the "Starbucks experience" — rather than the coffee.

I love Starbucks. But it's not about the coffee. Hey, I love Starbucks coffee, but the reality is their competitors pour a tasty cup — as good or better — than Starbucks.

Excerpts from the article:

Intentionality. "At Starbucks, nothing is accidental. Everything the customer interacts with, from the obsessively monitored store environment down to the white paper cups, is the product of deliberation and psychological research. The coffeehouse as we know it is a calculated creation..."

Community. "Starbucks filled America's need for a public gathering spot... a 'third place' with home and work being place one and two. This became Starbucks' community rallying cry: It wasn't a coffee company, but a place for bringing people together through the social glue of coffee."

The social glue of coffee. Interesting. I regularly drive by several quality coffee shops to get to my Starbucks. (Actually, I have four, but the closest store is my Starbucks.) It's the community; the atmosphere; it's knowing the baristas by name. The coffee is not the point.

When I need to do business — especially relational or spiritual business — my destination of choice is Starbucks. Over the years I've found Starbucks to be an effective environment for date nights, evangelism, and last minute mentoring.

Here's my point(s):

Getting away with your spouse doesn't require major effort. You can pull off a last minute, quality date night for the price of a couple espressos. (No excuses guys!) Get creative. Time away with your spouse doesn't need to break the budget. And an intimate environment (like a Starbucks) will allow you to talk; that's right communicate with your better half. That won't happen at a movie.

(Second thought) Is it possible that we're trying to put God in a box by limiting how he chooses to reach people? In my world, God shows up frequently in a coffee shop. I believe God will use methods we've not seen before to reach people, get people's attention, and transform lives.

Where is your coffee shop?

Incriminating Text Message

SYDNEY (Reuters) - The wife of former Australian cricket champion Shane Warne says their marriage reconciliation is over after he mistakenly sent her an incriminating text message. Read the story. Callahan (his wife) replied, "You loser, you sent the message to the wrong person."  Crazy stuff.

Married Couples More Sorry?

A recent survey says that married couples apologize more often than Unmarried and Divorced couples. I'm wondering how the pollsters defined apology? Did they express regret? Did they accept responsibility? Check out this interview on the Five Languages of Apology...

SAN FRANCISCO, Aug. 23 -- A willingness to apologize may hold the key to a lasting marriage, suggests a study of 7,590 Americans, which found that married individuals say sorry to their significant others almost twice as readily as do single ones.

Even when they feel they're not to blame, married folks are twice as likely as single, divorced or separated ones to apologize after an argument with their other half - according to a survey conducted by pollsters Zogby.

Just Talking - It's No Big Deal

I recently spoke with a very dear friend who was beside herself in how to deal with her husband.  They've only been married five years but he still feels a need to speak by phone or text or through MySpace with old girlfriends, or just girl....friends as he calls it..  Understandably this has her upset, yet he sees nothing wrong with speaking to other women - even though he is a married man.  And, he swears on a stack of bibles nothing has happened physically.

She feels this violates their marriage vows and he does not.  He's not "getting it" that he is sharing personal things/feelings with other women instead of his wife.   He's not "getting it" that this violates her feelings of trust and security in their marriage.  He's not "getting it" that if this continues, she's not sure she can continue in their marriage.  He's not "getting it" that she feels this is emotional adultery.

She's caught him several times throughout their marriage "chatting" and they've been to counseling before. They are starting again.  What do you do when a behavior isn't changing?  I asked her if she ever considered this to be an obsession or addiction?   I mentioned this because it's a behavior that has control over him and he doesn't know how to stop it. He appears repentent once he's been caught and will do whatever she asks of him, but six months or a year down the road, he's back to "chatting" again with other women. She's going to bring this up with their counselor.

I have to agree with her that "chatting" is emotional adultery.  It's subtle, appears to be innocent, but it has caught her husband in its snare.  By talking to other women, it hasn't allowed their marriage to mature emotionally and relationally.

Online chatting and text messaging is destroying marriages when it involves members of the opposite sex.  This an epidemic with women too - men are not the only ones who need to hear this.  Protective hedges/boundaries are needed to protect your marriage.  When one talks to a member of the opposite sex, you might as well be jumping over the hedge.

There's some great scripture that I believe addresses this issue -

Proverbs 6:27-28  -  Can you build a fire in your lap and not burn your pants? Can you walk barefoot on hot coals  and not get blisters?

Proverbs 4:23 - Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

Falling Out of Love

Great post on Michael Smalley's blog...

Sheri and I have heard that excuse frequently lately: We've fallen
out of love; We've lost interest in each other; We have
nothing in common... Give me a break!

Not only do those comments make me sad, it makes me want to 
smack two whining married people upside the head...

I was reading a blog the other day where I found a post that caught my eye, here is part of what I read:

About two years ago I had the unfortunate situation where I filed for divorce with my wife of 10 years. The reason for our divorce is somewhat complicated but I guess the primary reason was that overtime we just grew apart and eventually stopped loving each other. I’m not sure whether it was my dedication to work or her lack of a social life that led to her boredom, whatever the reasons were, like most divorces it got messy.

Divorce stinks. But let me tell you, as a marriage and family expert, nothing gets me more sad or worked up than when I hear a married couple say, “We’ve fallen out of love” or “We grew apart”.

Very few divorces occur today because they need to (abuse, serial infidelity…). Divorces occur because two people don’t know how to get along with each other. Here’s the reality of this kind of divorce, you will divorce again unless you learn the skills necessary to get along.

Why not learn that together instead of finding it out after a divorce?

Great marriage just don’t happen, they are the result of two people dedicated to a lifetime of learning about each other, how to love better, and being totally and undeniably committed to their marriage.

click The Michael Smalley Blog

The Three Year Itch?

A story that caught my interest on the TODAY show. Interesting because Sheri and I have been trying to understand why so many newly-marrieds are losing interest in each other. Data seems to show that the boost in happiness that comes from entering a union is short-lived. Has this become a trend?

New research suggests that the preverbal seven year itch might be the three year itch.

Professor Kelly Musick co-authored a new marriage study which looked at two sets of couples: those together for one-to-three years and those together for four-to-six years.

Kelly Musick, author: We found that relationships seem to deteriorate in a relatively short period of time.

Rachel Sussman, Marriage & Family Therapist: People are so used to being bombarded with stimulation; they need stimulation on a regular basis. If they're not feeling stimulated 24-7 they get bored.

So, what makes a marriage work? According to a recent survey (2007 Pew research Center), Faithfulness was 93%, saying it matters the most; 70% say a satisfying sex life; and 62% say sharing the household chores.

For most people, marriage is still the ideal. But long term happiness with the same person, may be allusive.

Kelly Musick, author: There's something getting in between what people want & fantasize about marriage and what they actually do.

Rachel Sussman, Marriage & Family Therapist: We're a disposable society and I think statistics are showing that marriages are disposable as well.

Are we confusing being in love with just liking somebody?

Ian Kerner, Clinical Sexologist: I think in the first couple years of a relationship, nature gives us a free pass when it comes to feelings like excitement and infatuation and romantic love. There's such a potent neuro-chemical cocktail surging through our bodies. After a couple years those chemicals wane and nature pulls the rug out from under us. So I think by the time we hit three years, we're thinking how can we get this scratched, and we don't have the first clue how to get it scratched within our relationship

Do we see more women experience this than men?

Dr. Dale Atkins, author:  It's actually equal (at least in my practice). We forget about commitment, we forget why we got together in the first place which was to build a life together, and to respect and care about the other person even more than ourselves.

Ian Kerner, Clinical Sexologist: You know, relationships aren't fundamentally in and of themselves exciting. They're based on responsibility, trust, accountability, predictability.

But when it comes to attraction, desire, and chemistry, we need some fire, we need newness, we need unpredictability, and spontaneity. We need to realize there's a space for a danger zone too.

Dr. Dale Atkins, author: And you have to make time for that. You can't do that if you're totally preoccupied with other things in your life. And marriage is not a day in the park. Marriage is about the every day, and remember -- you are both imperfect.

Ian Kerner, Clinical Sexologist: The difference that makes marriages successful is what I call the five-to-one rule. Try to maintain a 5-1 ratio of positive to negative transactions in the relationship. Stay positive!

Excerpt from today's NBC TODAY Show

Coming Soon...

As we wind down the month, here's some new and exciting ministry happenings -- here on the Insidetrac blog and on the Growthtrac website -- that we're looking forward to.

Next week look for (and listen to) our first on location Podcast. Yes, we'll take the Insidetrac Podcast "on the road" from-- well, we'll make that a surprise. Come along as Jim & Sheri venture into risky territory, exploring new relational heights, hanging on for dear life... Tune in next week.

We are completing Phase Two of our KLOVE radio project, working toward a nationally aired, daily Marriage Minute. Sheri and I were in the studio again this week, recording another round of demo tracks.  We'll keep you posted.

Coming next week, an interview with (Cracking the Communication Code) Emerson Eggerichs... stay tuned.

Life's Short. Get a Divorce

Last month a shameful attack was launched on marriage and the family.  The reverance and nobility that is reserved for marriage was reduced to a billboard of fantasy promising unhappy couples that the "grass is truly greener on the other side."  A quick visit to the attorney's office can have you on your way to true gratification and fulfillment.  The racy billboard that was placed in a busy Chicago intersection featured a lingerie clad women openly flaunting her physical attributes and a shirtless man who could easily be the paid spokesman for the "abs of steel" franschise.

Reaction to the advertisement, sponsored by a law firm specializing in divorce, was mixed.  Many found the message offensive while others just seemed to laugh or shrug off the implication.  I find the message to be evidence of a growing epidemic in our nation.  One in which it is no longer always the explosive issues such as infidelity and abuse that tear apart marriages as much as it is the selfish "lack of fulfillment" or "we've grown apart" excuse that seems to be gaining ground and acceptance.  The idea seems to be that once you are no longer happy together, a quick divorce and on to the next relationship is a perfectly acceptable arrangement. 

Another interesting aspect of the billboard was the fact that the photographs featured in the advertisement only included the bodies of the man and woman--thus dehumanizing and objectifying relationships.  I wonder if the true impact of divorce had been displayed, perhaps the man's face with a look of despair or the woman's face contorted in grief and shock, would have received the same cavalier response that many expressed.  Better yet, if the middle of the billboard had contained the photo of a child in tears being tugged at by both sides, would the reality of the damage divorce truly inflicts on others possibly been a wake-up call for many to begin working at the marriage and taking their commitment a little more seriously?

You and I both know that the true root of this type of attack on the marriage is quite simply sin.  The sin of greed is prominently displayed in the center of the ad which features the contact information of the law firm.  The sin of selfishness is displayed in the photos and slogan which are in essence saying "come on...you deserve better...you work hard...aren't you entitled to get what you deserve?"

Rather than be discouraged by this attack, it only serves to ignite in me a passion to make sure that God's design for marriage be shouted from Christian homes, churches, ministries, and godly organizations.  Our vow is a covenant and when the going gets tough, we need to remember that His true unconditional love, mercy, and forgiveness is an example of how we should love one another.  I am so grateful for God's grace which is extended to me--an undeserving sinner--and may I display that same grace to my spouse, in all things, always.  I pray my marriage is a testimony to others and a monument to God's unfailing love.

One couple summed it up perfectly for me.  They were being interviewed on the street about the billboard.  The husband threw his arm around his wife and announced that they had been married for almost 50 years.  "To me," he proclaimed with a huge smile, "the message should be life is short--so stay together"!  Well said!

Phil 3:13-14  ....one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Dawn Emeigh, Editor of CMM News

The Top Ten Myths of Divorce

The most common Myths about divorce

Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. 

Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.   

Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. 

Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce.   

Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man’s improves by forty two percent. 

When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. 

Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes.   

Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. 

Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce.   

It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings

From the Rutgers Marriage Project

Sex: Road Map to Success

Our friend Bowden, over at Counseling Notes, posted this funny (and accurate) illustration about male/female perspectives on sex.

>>Check it out here

We also like the famous Microwave and the Crockpot metaphor.

Guys, it's all about the process. Why isn't your wife in the mood? Why doesn't she say yes more often? It's more about what you've done over the last three days-- and less about your romantic advances over the last three minutes.

Reclaiming Paradise in Your Marriage

How many times have we heard or used those terms “soul mate” and “marry the right person”? But shouldn’t we be with our soul mate? Shouldn’t we be compatible? Hold on. Jimmy Evans explains it so well.

“Soul mates are not born; they are made,” he reveals. “The way you become a soul mate with someone is by going through difficulty together. It is staying together and working it out and learning to respect each other and learning to know each other. Every great marriage that I have ever seen – and there are a lot of great marriages and I have a great marriage – is the result of two people who went through bad times together and stayed together through the process. Through the fire, they became soul mates and they became one.”

Beyond those gushy feelings, there should be this understanding that marriage means you are going to have to put some effort forth.

“When a person gets married God’s way, and you come into it expecting to work, expecting to sacrifice, you have to give to get a return, you have to sow to reap, and you just understand the basics that God puts into everything, marriage is a wonderful thing,” says Jimmy.

From our friends at CBN

Reader’s Digest Survey on Marriage

Readers’ Digest announced the results of their annual survey on marriage and came up with some interesting results. Here are the key findings:

71% of married spouses said they would marry their spouse AGAIN

62% of all married spouses said they loved their partners MORE NOW than when they married them.

The five most important factors for a good marriage were trust, having fun talking and laughing, compatibility, quality of sex and frequency of sex.

47% of all men said their wives were funnier than they had expected when they got married.             

When asked what they most missed from being single, some of the frequent    responses were “living by own rules”, “being more adventurous sexually”. Forty percent said they missed nothing about being single.

From our Friends at MarriagePrep101

Secrets of Happily Married Women

Secrets of Happily Married Women Dr. Scott Haltzman is looking for women to interview for his new book called, “Secrets of Happily Married Women”.

Haltzman, author of the bestselling book Secrets of Happily Married Men which was chosen by Time Magazine as one of the “Six Books for a Better You in 2006” is now conducting research for married women using the same internet data collection strategy that he used for married men.             

Haltzman already has some ideas for women as a result of his research on men. Here are some preliminary tips for women to help them be more happily married:

Learn to read his communications by his actions just as much as his words.

Get to the point quicker rather than by using longer explanations

Use your relationships with women to fill in for some of your unmet relationship needs with your husband.

Try doing acts of service first to get your husband into the mood for talking

Boost his ego by complimenting him for doing simple things.

Visit his Scott's website at www.happilymarriedwomen.com to contribute your ideas or www.secretsofmarriedmen.com to see what he found in his first study.

From our friends at MarriagePrep101

Your Partner's Most Annoying Habit

I was reading through the Chicago Tribune last night and picked up on a recent US Magazine poll about "What's Your Partner's Most Annoying Habit?".  The Tribune says we are a poll-obsessed world.  This was a sampling of an online poll they encountered this past week. I had a good chuckle as I read through the results. http://www.usmagazine.com/i_us_i_poll_0

54% not picking up after themselves

39% snoring

7%  ditching trash detail

In the comments section of the poll I saw the following  - "When my husband leaves the toilet seat up, I sit down and get a wet bottom."

These habits can definitely become annoying, if you let them.  I believe it's a matter of personal attitude that defines whether we look at this as annoying or as quirky. 

Do you define your roll/chores in the home as 50/50 proposition?  I've found in my marriage that nothing is 50/50.  Sometimes it's 100/0 or 0/100.  I can look at everything my husband does as annoying, or I can accept him for how God created him.  I can ask him to kindly do something for me, or I can berate him with words that tear him down and make him feel and inch tall.  It's my choice.

Sure, it's annoying to have to pick up after someone, to have them snore or forget to take out the garbage.  We all have our faults.  But, is it really worth the battle?

Slowing Down

My husband and I had an opportunity this past week to take a vacation.  It's been a long time since we've been away for more than a long weekend.  Over the past two years we've dealt with the illnesses and death of parents and an entire year of unemployment.

I woke up early one morning before sunrise and had an opportunity to watch the first streaks of light appear on the horizon over the ocean.  I watched in amazment as little by little the colors changed and the sky was filled with oranges, yellows and pinks.  Eventually, the sun started to poke it's head up and slowly rose over the water.  It was beautiful. Whenever I'm by the water, I feel the power and majesty of God.  The strength of the ocean amazes me and all of the creatures God has put in the water.

I thanked God that morning for giving me a new day and for a loving husband still sleeping in a warm bed.  I thanked him for another day to love my husband and I thanked him for providing the miracle of a gorgeous sunrise. 

I try very dligently to take 15 minutes out of my day to be still and be with God.  It's a deep desire within me to feel His presence.  I'm not always successful.  When I realize it's been a day or two, my heart yearns for Him. When I'm not still and quiet, my heart becomes disturbed and impatient.  And... mostly my husband takes the brunt of my impatience.

God has given us an amazing opportunity to be with him everyday.  He has so much to show us and teach us - especially about his love.  I desire that love and I want to give that love.  Slowing down for just a moment filled my heart to overflowing.  It set the tone for a wonderful and loving vacation with my husband.