Cohabitating Couples: Sliding vs. Deciding

Scott Stanley, a leading marital researcher recently reported about the “pre-marital cohabitation effect” which he described as co-habiting couples “sliding vs. deciding”. Researchers have reported that couples that live together prior to getting engaged have an increased risk for divorce and marital distress. Interestingly, the finding does not apply when couples co-habit AFTER they become engaged. In the past, this finding was understood by a “selection bias” which meant that those people who chose to live together before getting engaged had personality variables such as being less traditional, more egalitarian, financially independent, less religious and more likely to come from a divorced family. All these factors make them more vulnerable to divorce later on according to research.

Now, Stanley and colleagues have reported that the “experience” of co-habiting before engagement may also increase divorce risk. For example, he found that the ambiguity of co-habitation sometimes undermines the couples’ ability to understand what their relationship is really about (marriage bound or not). Some couples “slide” into living together because it may be convenient (spending nights together anyway, save rent money) and offer an alternative/postponement to deciding about marriage. In other words, some are “trying out the relationship” without the lifelong commitment.             

Stanley found that “relationship inertia” makes it easier to continue living together even when it may not be a good decision, rather than break up.             

So, these couples are more likely to postpone marriage indefinitely or one person (usually the woman) encourages the man to get married when he doesn’t really want to or is not really “marriage-ready”. This latter group that goes on to get married has a higher level of divorce.              About 80% of couples in urban areas live together before marriage, so it is definitely something to think about.             

Here’s what Stanley suggests couples do based on the research:

First talk candidly about the meaning or purpose of living together.

Set a time frame for deciding whether each wants to get married or not.

Discuss what must happen (for each person) to suggest they are ready to make a commitment to marry.

Those who want to “test out” the relationship for marriage would be better served by taking a relationship workshop or entering couples counseling.

From our friends at MarriagePrep101