Sheri and I have mentored pre-married couples for the last nine years. When one of those couples – now married – tells us they’ve lost interest in each other or fallen out of love, we repeat this mentoring advice:
No matter how in love you are, or well-adjusted, or realistic your expectations, when the wedding is over and you begin life together, things change. Your schedules will seem tighter, you will disappoint each other, needs will go unmet, and reality will be different than what you imagined.
It’s a key takeaway. Its advice couples will need when marriage misgivings begin to creep in. And they will. Often very early in their marriage.
In his book, Married for Life: 60 Tips for a Fun Growng Relationship, Dr. Larry Koenig says this:
Of the many myths about marriage, one very common one is so destructive in can cause the breakup of marriages. The myth is this: If that wonderful, passionate feeling you had when you married goes away, the love must have gone out of the marriage. This is often expressed between spouses when one says to the other, ‘I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you anymore.”
What couples are really expressing is a belief that they should always have that loving feeling the marriage started out with. And who can blame them for believing it? It’s wonderful to experience the heightened passion of falling in love.
But the myth is dangerous because of the behavior that can result from it. What happens so often is this: When one of the partners concludes that love has died, he or she is ripe for someone else to come along and fill the void. Very quickly, a new love relationship can form. The passion of this new relationship convinces the person that true love has been found at last. He or she rushes to end the present marriage and marry the “true love.”
I wish it were a requirement of marriage that everyone sign a disclaimer accepting that real love starts where passionate love leaves off. Then I wish a postcard reminding the couple of this fact would be mailed to them every month for two years, starting the thirteenth month of the marriage. This would help get most through the turbulent time when the honeymoon ends, the love blinders come off, and passionate love flies the coop.
I just caught an excellent blog from our friend Ron Deal at his Smart Stepfamilies blog. Also checkout the Smart Stepfamilies website.
