When Does It Become An Affair

In recent months one of the most visited topics in Growthtrac Community has been Emotional Affairs.  The question every one asks, "When Does It Become An Affair?"

Here's what I've gathered from many of the posts -

Over simple conversations, spending time together at work, or an innocent lunch or cup of coffee a friendship starts to develop.  The conversation eventually turns personal with compliments about hair, clothing, or fragrance.  Stories are shared about difficulties at home; feelings of disconnection, lack of fun, and a spouse who seldom listens.  Slowly there's a spark of excitement... this person notices me!  At than moment... you've begun walking down the road of an affair.  Sexual intercourse never has to enter the picture.

The progression of an affair looks like this:

Connection of your heart to another

Diminishing the value of marriage vows

Sharing intimate details and feelings

An emotional hook - all you can think about is this person

Comparing the qualities of this individual to what your spouse lacks

Romantic fantasy

Thinking God won't notice your thoughts

Avoiding prayer, church, or God's word

But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. You're heart can be corrupted by lust quicker than your body. Matthew 5:28 (The Message)

Comments

[Bowden McElroy]

When does it become an affair? When secrets are kept from your spouse. The difference between a friendship and an emotional affair is the truth -- the whole truth -- in a timely manner with your spouse.

[Sally]

I guess I have a question? Can a man get over an emotional affair entirely after it has gone on for several years.

[Sheri]

Sally,
God can help us work through forgiveness but our minds have a very difficult time forgetting. Professional Christian counseling will help tremendously to discover what the individual is struggling with personally and maritally that lead them down this path. Without counseling, I believe the issue is being pushed under the rug hoping it will go away.

[Rachel Greene]

After reading the following site on DATING AFTER MARRIAGE, which can be found on the following link-http://www.iwishisaidno.com/forum/1737-dating-after-marriage.html, I decided to move on with life. I dated a man, but we broke up after 1 week itself. I think I went out with him just because he resembled my exhusband. When I talked about it with my best friend, she told me that I still love my exhusband, and I felt close to the guy I dated because I felt my ex was near me. But I really think I have got over my exhusband.

[nicole]

Having been guilty of emotional attachment to someone other than my husband, I do believe that it is just as bad as having extramarital sex. I know that this person is not someone I want to be in a relationship with, but I find myself constantly thinking about him. My husband and I get along fine, we have a good marriage, and in six years of marriage this is the first time I've ever had feelings for somebody else. We work together so it's been very difficult to maintain certain boundaries.

[SAM]

At hard as it may be, if the emotional attachment is with someone at work, it is time to transfer to another department or seriously consider finding a new job. The attachment will continue if you see the person everyday. It makes healing in yourself and marriage very difficult and will continue to separate you from your relationship with God. It's an affair of the heart.

[nicole]

Thank you for your comment Sam. Though it is hard to hear I know you are right. But, it looks like I won't have to go anywhere afterall because this guy revealed to me today that he is leaving the company. It's funny how things work out. This is a relief don't get me wrong, still, I can't help wonder if the issue is really resolved since our parting ways was not initiated by either of us?

[Sam]

It's not resolved even though this individual is leaving the company. You'll miss seeing this person everyday and have a desire to reach out and contact him once he leaves - don't. Honestly, take a deep hard look at yourself and your marriage and put all of your effort and energy into what you need to rebuild the intimacy you desire with God and your husband. If it takes some counseling on your part to figure it all out - seriously consider doing so.