Growthtrac insidetrac, Life Changing Marriage Resources

Not Happy...

He/She Isn’t Meeting My Needs, I’m Not Happy and I Want Out, We’re Not Friends, We Have No Romance, Marriage Isn’t What I Thought, We Never Talk Anymore...

That's a rather long title for an article.  I was having a difficult time just picking one, so I thought I would use them all.  Amazing that when we fall in love and begin our journey toward marriage we have the following thoughts:

He/she makes me so happy

He/she completes me

We have so much in common

We just talk and talk and talk

We have so much fun together

I just want to spend every minute with him/her

He brings me flowers every week

She writes me love notes

Why isn’t marriage everything we expect?  My vote is for movies giving us an unrealistic view of what marriage should be like.  How so?   People in movies live in lovely homes beautifully decorated, have immaculate laws, no leaky roofs, no broken toilets and no worn out carpeting.  They don’t hold down full time jobs, their children are taken care of by nannies and there are more flowers and candlelight than anyone can afford.  And, they eat at lovely restaurants every night – no sloppy joes or meat loaf from what I’ve seen.

We set ourselves up for immediate failure in our marriage the moment we walk in the door from our honeymoon.  We have the expectation of continued romantic dinners, walks on the beach with love notes everyday.  While those are lovely thoughts, I know they don’t happen in my marriage everyday.  It takes work, it takes planning and it takes a bit of effort to work this into our schedules.  Sounds unromantic doesn’t it?

I used to dream of long slow walks on the beach, feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries with expensive champagne and laying in each other’s arms until the sun comes up.  Do you realize how much your legs hurt after walking for miles in the sand?  Chocolate melts on the beach and champagne doesn’t stay cold.  Sorry to burst your romantic bubble.

I’ve come to realize I have a choice each day to put my focus in one place in my marriage – my husband’s eyes.  I see God there when I earnestly search – for we were created in God’s image.  He is always there to give me the strength I need to stay committed to my marriage – through His eyes.

Michael W. Smith's Film Debuts Today

The Second Chance Is Officially In Theatres Now!

Read More

The Married Male Mind

So are housecleaning and happiness related?

In writing the book, "VoiceMale—What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment" Neil Chethik kept seeing the parallel between housework and sex in the interviews.

Men said the happier their wives were in the division of housework, the happier the men were with their sex lives.  He even looked at the numbers and found that there's more sex in the relationship if the wife is happy with the division of housework.  It doesn't have to be exactly equal, the wife just has to think it's fair. When a woman comes in she notices if it's a mess, it's often socialized in [her] that [she is] more responsible for the look of the home So if he can recognize that by doing a fair share, then he is often rewarded with sex. She's not as angry, or  burdened and she's not as tired.

Hmmm... I think we need a housekeeper. 

>>Read Growthtrac Articles for Men

Newsweek

Annual GMA Music Awards

Chris Tomlin leads with 9 nominations; David Crowder Band, Natalie Grant, Joy Williams and Reliant K earn 6 nods each.

Nominations were announced today for the 37th Annual GMA Music Awards (www.gmamusicawards.com) by the Gospel Music Association (GMA) with several new faces leading a field that features a strong showing by praise & worship and pop/rock artists. Nominations for the Dove Awards were announced at the Hilton Nashville Downtown in Music City by GospoCentric artist Kirk Franklin and ForeFront Records’ Rebecca St. James, both of whom earned Dove nominations today and will host the GMA Music Awards show on April 5, 2006 at the Grand Ole Opry House in Nashville. The awards show will then be televised in national syndication April 15 to May 21, 2006.

Artist of the Year nominee Chris Tomlin and Group of the Year nominee David Crowder Band (both sixstepsrecords) lead the field of nominees with nine nods and six nominations respectively, proving modern praise & worship music is still going strong. Coincidently, both artists were pictured on the recent cover of the January issue of CCM Magazine, featured for their music’s influence in the “Passion” collegiate worship movement.

Female Vocalists of the Year nominees Natalie Grant (Curb Records) and Joy Williams (Reunion Records) helped to bring women back to the top of the Dove nominees with six a piece, while rock band Relient K (Gotee Records) also earned six nods thanks in part to its cross-over success in the last year.

Several of 2005’s biggest Dove Award winners returned with five nominations, including Switchfoot, Jeremy Camp, Casting Crowns, Crabb Family and Israel Houghton. BarlowGirl and Third Day rounded out the field of artists with five nods a piece.

More on the Growthtrac Music Channel

Happier in Marriage

Want a better love life that goes beyond Valentine's Day romance? Prize your partner's happiness and well-being above your own, a new survey suggests.

Those feelings -- called altruistic love -- are at the heart of the survey, which included more than 1,300 people, 60% of whom were married.

The findings:

Married people with lots of altruistic love for their spouse had happier marriages.

Married or not, altruistic love for a significant other was tied to higher levels of general happiness.   

The survey was part of the General Social Survey, directed by Tom W. Smith, PhD, of the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

Rate Your Own Altruistic Love

Curious about your own level of altruistic love? Rate how strongly you agree or disagree with these statements:

I would rather suffer myself than let the one I love suffer.

Married or not, altruistic love for a significant other was tied to higher levels of general happiness.

I cannot be happy unless I place the one I love's happiness before my own.

I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let the one I love achieve his/hers.

I would endure all things for the sake of the one I love.

By a long shot, the majority of survey participants agreed or strongly agreed with those statements.

Nearly nine in 10 agreed or strongly agreed with the first statement. About seven in 10 agreed or strongly agreed with the second statement. About eight in 10 agreed or strongly agreed with the last two statements.

Married people "that express a high sense of altruistic love toward their significant other turn out to have much happier marriages," Smith tells WebMD.

Altruism is usually defined as helping others without getting anything back, Smith notes. "In this case, it turns out there is a positive payback," he says.

Married people get a "significant increase" in marital happiness if they have "this kind of self-sacrificing".

WebMd

How to Conquer Marriage

Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and Brown University professor, has been studying marriages good and bad for a long time in his clinical work. His new book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men (Jossey-Bass, 2006), collects what he says are the behaviors that lead to happy marriage.

Following are the eight guy “secrets” Haltzman shares.

1. Make marriage your job

Premise: Guys have skills and habits developed at work that can be applied to marriage.

Details: If men are to accept marriage as a job, they need a job description. Here’s Haltzman’s: Love, honor and respect her; be sexually and emotionally faithful; listen without being judgmental; and be affectionate. This is no part-time gig.

2. Know your wife

Premise: You think you know your wife, but you haven’t really been paying attention.

Details: Citing the old therapists’ joke (there are two times men don’t understand women: 1) before marriage and 2) after marriage), Haltzman urges guys to do what guys do: Collect data. Observe her in mundane situations where she reveals herself: at the sidelines at a kid’s game; when she’s with her best friend; at a restaurant or coffee shop; and before, during and after sex. Here is where you will discover who she really is, not who she says she is.

3. Be home now

Premise: Guys evolved as prowlers and hunters. But to make marriage work, you’ve got to spend a lot of time around the cave.

Details: “To ... build a lasting marriage, you have to be there, in person, day by day, Mr. Regular, at home, in the building – and that’s that.” And why don’t more guys do this? Haltzman says men need to be honest about why they often leave the cave, returning only to feed, sleep and lie with their mate: to avoid conflict, loss of control, domestic responsibilities, intimacy or ... having to grow up.

4. Expect conflict; deal with it

Premise: Fights are inevitable, but you can control them.

Details: “You can ... stop the mounting tensions in their tracks,” Haltzman says, not by doing what guys are inclined to do (dig in and fight to the death) but by using various higher cerebral strategies. For instance, take advantage of a woman’s natural inclination to nurture by softening your tone.

5. Learn to listen

Premise: Listening does not come naturally to male humans, but it can be learned.

Details: Stand still while she talks. Look directly at her. If it’s important, seek clarification. If not, just let her talk.

6. Aim to please

Premise: “In the workplace ... men are masters of relationship-building.” So: Bring this skill home.

Details: Treat your wife at least as well as you would a valuable client, co-worker or employee: Greet her warmly, ask how she is, see what she needs and how you can help.

7. Understand the truth about sex

Premise: Men. Women. They’re different!

Details: In response to the old women-want-slow-intimacy/men-want-to-get-down-to-business conflict, Haltzman planks out a by-the-numbers program consisting of five “gears” that men need to move through, sort of like a sporty transmission. Move through the first four and getting to the fifth is more likely.

8. Introduce yourself

Premise: Enough about her. Time to let her know “this is who I am, this is what I need.”

Details: Assuming you’ve mastered the seven “secrets” above, your efforts to meet your own needs – doing stuff together that you like, hanging with the guys, taking occasional solo sorties, playing sports, cultivating personal interests and hobbies – won’t be greeted as if they are threats or acts of abandonment.

Washington Post

Doing Marriage Alone?

As you read through our discussion forums, Growthtrac Community, you'll find many married people who feel isolated and alone. How can this happen? 

I married to have my best friend be with me everyday. We’re going to take romantic walks, lay in bed and make love for hours, enjoy nightly candlelight dinners, bring each other our favorite candies, delight in frequent back massages, and so on... 

Wonderful expectations, but we're often interrupted by life.

You're probably wondering, why the title "Doing Marriage Alone?"  I'm married, of course; I'm not alone.  I have a wonderful spouse to share my life with. 

When we’re not spending enough time together and we're not as close as we used to be, thoughts start creeping into your head.  Perhaps, he/she isn't making me as happy as I could be.  Dangerous thoughts!

There's a secret to marital loneliness - his name is Jesus Christ.  My husband and I found Him 10 years into our marriage.  What turned a difficult marriage into a fulfilling one is our willingness to bring Christ into our marriage on a daily basis.  We could no longer do marriage alone – by ourselves.

We were designed by God to be in community with Him and with other Christians.  Becoming members of a vibrant and relevant Bible teaching church was our first step in alleviating our “aloneness quotient.” 

Second, we joined a small group/bible study group and found people just like us struggling with their marriages and trying to raise their children with a foundational faith. The people in this group were there for us during unemployment, illness and the death of loved ones.  In addition, they held us accountable for how we treated each other in our marriage. 

Third, as uncomfortable and awkward as it was, we were committed to praying together and inviting Christ to walk beside us on a daily basis. 

Fourth, becoming involved in a ministry we both loved and serving together made us upfront witnesses to the gifts God had equipped us with.

You don’t have to do marriage alone.

Changes Comin'

We'll often use this venue to give you an insider's view of what's happening in our organization: ministry milestones, feature additions, design improvements, etc. Here's what's going on:

We've just launched a project to improve the look and feel of the Growthtrac website. This first phase will be evident throughout the site and will include mostly visual and navigational improvements. We want you to find what you're looking for faster -- via a lighter, less complicated experience.

Currently, we're in the early stages of design exploration and expect to launch in a couple months.

The next design phase will include non-visual changes involving the underlying code in the web site. Again, the motivation is elevating the user experience -- through compatibility and flexibility enhancements.

Thanks to you, Growthtrac continues to experience significant growth. To borrow a phrase from multi-level marketing circles: We're at critical mass! Our web metrics have been outstanding.

Thank you for coming along for the ride; and for caring that much about your marriage.

What? You haven't seen the Growthtrac website?!