Growthtrac insidetrac, Life Changing Marriage Resources

Stressful Events Made Easier By Making Love

One fun and healthy way to get rid of the jitters before that big business meeting: Calm your nerves by having sexual intercourse, of course with a willing partner, according to a study on the impact of sex on stress as measured by one's blood pressure in stressful situations.

Researchers asked 22 men and 24 women to maintain diaries about how often they experienced intercourse, or sexual activity that excluded intercourse for two weeks. Afterward, patients were given tests measuring their stress levels involving public speaking and solving math problems aloud.

Those who had intercourse but no other kind of sexual activity enjoyed the most relief, as their blood pressure levels normalized faster than the other groups. And, that beneficial effect lasted for at least a week too.

On the flip side, patients who didn't have sexual intercourse had the highest blood pressure readings of all groups.

NewScientist

Help! I Married Someone Just Like My Mother!

Seeing the faults and flaws of your parents in your significant other?

Maybe you married someone just like dear ol’ mom or dad and this eerie similarity is causing tension in your marriage. In our series “On the Couch with Dr. Gail Saltz,” Dr. Saltz sheds light on this phenomenon.

Certainly it is not uncommon to marry someone who looks, acts or thinks like one of your parents. That comforting, nurturing mother; that strong, handsome father — they were your first and most important childhood love objects.

But then you grew up. You were able to see your parents’ faults and flaws.

People who end up marrying someone just like a parent aren’t always aware of the similarity, especially if it doesn’t involve looks. It can involve patterns of speech, sense of humor or general style.

As long as your spouse doesn’t remind you of your parent in the bedroom, there can be much pleasure in having a spouse just like Mom or Dad. (This includes the fact that Mom and Dad will probably like them!)

Still, you don’t want a grownup relationship to turn into a parent-child relationship. Sometimes, as a way of seeking or recapturing something they never had, people choose mates who remind them of their parents.

For example, women sometimes marry men who are nearly their father’s age, hoping to capture the attention of a father who died, abandoned the family or withheld affection. Men may want their wife to keep a neat house as their mother did, hoping to replicate that domestic order.

And your parents can have incredibly annoying habits — which you might experience as amplified in your spouse. If your mother nagged you about cleaning your room, you might find be driven particularly crazy by a neat-freak husband.

If you are often irritated at a spouse who reminds you of the worst traits of your mom or dad, examine your own role in contributing to your irritation.

Are you somehow provoking the very traits that bug you?
Maybe you are unwittingly repeating your childhood patterns of needling your parents, and doing the same with your spouse.

Are you hyper-sensitive about a sore point with your parent?
If your mother was always criticizing you about your wardrobe, you might get unnecessarily angry if your wife says she doesn’t like your tie.

Are you letting your spouse know why you are pulling him into these dramas?
Tell your spouse there are things that remind you of your parents, which is why your touchiness should not be taken personally. It is more about you than about him.

Dr. Gail Saltz at MSNBC

Compromise Around Sex

Relationship Tip: Compromise Around Sex

Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage finds
that couples are open to compromise in most aspects of their
relationship except one—sex. Curiously, she reports that when a
couple have a disparity in sexual desire between the two people,
instead of negotiating a compromise, couples are more likely to
make a unilateral decision—her way or his way often becomes the
standard. Not compromising results in stagnation, and eventually
frustration and resentment for the unfulfilled one.

According to research, in couples that are happy enough with
their sex lives, sex only accounts for 15% of their marital
satisfaction. However, in couples where either one of them is
unhappy with their sex lives, sex accounts for 85% of their
marital satisfaction. Please do not avoid this important topic.

Set aside some time to talk about your sex life. What is
positive? What would you like to improve or change?  How do each
of you feel about the frequency? Who is initiating? Quality of
lovemaking? Is it still satisfying and interesting?

A common difference (even in newlywed couples) is where one prefers
morning lovemaking; the other prefers evening sex. How about
taking turns? Their way one time, yours the next.
Or, how about a compromise-afternoon sex? Who says that sex
always has to follow dinner? What about physical intimacy as an
appetizer? Have a sense of humor about the differences, but
consider compromising when it comes to difference in the bedroom too.

Sit down together and brainstorm about how you can improve your
sex life. Share preferences (i.e. enjoy being teased, freshly
shaven) or like the “au natural” (sweaty post exercise).  Really,
there is so much variation when it comes to sexual desire. Talk
to your partner about it and realize that these preferences can
change over time too.

Michele Weiner Davis says, “Do not be complacent. For people who
like physical touch and sex, there is not substitute-all of the
home cooked meals aren’t going to make them feel loved”!

Marriage Prep 101 Quarterly Newsletter

Intentional Marriages

Intentional Marriages Highlight Classical Virtues

We think the idea of intentionality is one of the most important concepts we can share with our couples. The concept is based on the idea that couples need to invest in their relationships over the long-term to keep their marriages strong. By “leaning toward” their partner, making interactions as positive as possible and making timely contributions to marital happiness the relationship is fed and grows over time.

Now, a new study of 100 married couples reported in Science and
Theology News has shown that those couples who plan how to
strengthen their marriage are more satisfied with their
relationship. Vincent Jeffries, a sociologist at California State
University at Northridge explored “virtue” in modern marriage.
The virtues studied were: temperance (or self-control), fortitude
(willingness to undergo hardship), justice (or fairness),
prudence (using reason to determine what is good) and charity
(doing good to the other). Couples, all of whom were married 25
years or more, were asked what they did to keep their marriage
strong.

Jeffries found that couples create rules of behavior based on
the above named virtues and these rules create the culture of the
marriage. Specific virtues also had specific effects, he found.
Using prudence to plan for having a betterrelationship
—intentionality in other words—increases marital
satisfaction. Practicing virtue, a concept that dates all the way
back to Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas, is found in many aspects of
healthy marriage from rearing children, to putting the marriage
ahead of career to setting aside family time and managing anger.
In essence, Jeffies found that the more the above virtues were
practiced, the higher the levels of marital quality and
stability. Although the concept of virtue is often associated
with religious beliefs, Jeffries noted that one doesn’t have to
be religious to be virtuous.

Marriage Prep 101 Quarterly Newsletter

A Realistic Resolution II

Could this be the year you take steps toward Financial Freedom?

Step One: Stop creating more debt.

Step Two: Rank your debts in order of fastest possible payoff.

Step Three: Begin saving: set aside 10% or more of your gross monthly income.

Step Four: Pay off your debts!

Step Five: When all your debts are gone, convert that old debt into wealth to make you financially free!

Read More

A Realistic Resolution I

By now you know we're Small Group junkies. Group can provide:

Spiritual Growth and Community

Loving support.

Higher motivation to do what's right.

Self-control over unwanted habits and thoughts.

Dramatically increased self-worth.

Healthy independence.

The resources, reassurance, and perspective of others.

Now might be the time to make the decision that could change
your life's trajectory! Read More

Reflection on the Sago Accident

That tragedy has been on my mind all week; probably yours too. As the story slips off the front page, here's a positive perspective.

A Coal Miner's Son Reflects on Tragic Mining Accident

SCOTT DEPOT, WV (ANS) --
As a child, growing up in the small coal mining camp of Wevaco, West Virginia, located near the head of Cabin Creek, the worst news was always associated with a mine explosion, fire or slate fall. All who lived in our area were involved with mining and acquainted with danger.

On Monday morning, January 2, 2006, an explosion took place at approximately 6:30 in the Sago Mine, near the community of Tallmansville, Upshur County, West Virginia. It shattered the tranquility of mining families who were looking forward to watching the West Virginia University Mountaineers take on the University of Georgia Bulldogs at 8:30 that evening in the Sugar Bowl.

Family members and the six miners who escaped gathered in the Sago Baptist Church, with friends and relatives, for progress reports on efforts to reach the remaining 13 miners who were trapped thousands of feet back in the bowels of the mountain. People often huddled in small groups praying for their safe return.

In a coal camp people are not embarrassed about praying. Prayer is an important part of each day. When I was in public schools, hearing Bible stories read, memorizing familiar Biblical passages and praying were not under attack from any self-serving group that seeks to deny these God-given rights.

I have heard words used in recent days that were familiar during my childhood years. I recall the long hours of the day or night when my Dad, Clarence Ellis, who was involved in maintenance work for the Carbon Fuel Coal Company, would be called to go inside the mines to build a wall to seal off a fire or to re-direct the flow of air so vital to the well-being of working miners. Those partitions were called “brattices” and built of wood, concrete blocks and “brattice cloth”. It was always a relief when he safely returned home.

When I was a junior at East Bank High School and had a daily 42 mile round-trip bus ride, I was up at five o’clock each morning to deliver the Charleston Gazette to the homes of coal miners who were eating a hearty breakfast and having their last cup of hot coffee before leaving home to work eight or more hours in the mines. In the winter months many of them would leave and return in the darkness and never see daylight until Saturday or Sunday.

I recall those winter mornings when the snows could be deep and temperatures dipping to or below zero. Most of the year the mornings were pleasant. I remember those miners, both black and white, by name. They and their children were and are my friends to this day.

It is not easy to write about the miners and their families of Tallmansville, West Virginia. But you can be sure of one thing, like it is for most of us, when things go wrong, they are not ashamed to call on God. They trust in the words of Psalm 23:4, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” The life of a coal miner is not easy. It is dangerous. It has brought injury, illness and death to members of my family and thousands of others.

Remember this, most of the energy and electrical power of this nation are made possible by coal miners.

Our country mourns the loss of strong, talented and brave men. We will, as a nation and world, continue to pray for their grieving families and friends. In years to come, other lives will be saved and mining will be safer because of the tragic deaths of twelve courageous hard-working coal miners.

By Bill Ellis
Special to ASSIST News Service