Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage

Lie 1: Marriage is a contract.
A contract can be broken if you're not happy with the outcome.

Truth 1: Marriage is a covenant designed by God.
Start with this foundational belief. Being in covenant means you are
unconditionally committed to someone. Even if you married them for
all the wrong reasons.

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Lie 2: I married you, not your family!
Don't be naïve -- an entire family system joins you in marriage.

Truth 2: You don't marry only your spouse.
You get a package deal. Families can be powerful systems of
intense emotion and loyalty.

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Lie 3: I can change my spouse.
Big mistake! After 20 years of watching people try to reinvent
their spouse, Mintle knows how wrong this is.

Truth 3: You can change only yourself.

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Lie 4: We are too different.

Truth 4: Incompatibility or differences do not kill a relationship.
How you work out the differences is what counts.

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Lie 5: I've lost that loving feeling and it's gone!

Truth 5: That loving feeling can be restored.
You must keep the friendship part of your relationship strong.
Focus on the positive. If you like bike rides, go riding.

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Lie 6: A more traditional marriage will save us.
Trouble erupts when we have different ideas about how men
and women should behave.

Truth 6: God's intention is gender equality.
Most stable marriages have spouses who treat each other with
respect and allow mutual influence.

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Lie 7: I can't change. This is who I am. Take it or leave it.
Let's not forget that change is the hallmark of Christian conversion.
An unwillingness to change is rooted in rebellion.

Truth 7: I can change, but it requires desire, obedience and power.
First admit there is a problem. Pray for God to change your heart.

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Lie 8: There has been an affair. We need to divorce.
Infidelity is a breach of trust, a breaking of covenant. It goes beyond
intercourse to include physical, emotional, and thought life.

Truth 8: Affairs are serious and damaging, but not beyond
repair and reconciliation.

Over 20 years, Mintle has seen many couples put rocky marriages back
together with God's help, forgiveness, and repentance. Divorce is never
commanded or even encouraged in the Bible. But forgiveness and
reconciliation are.

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Lie 9: It doesn't matter what I do; God will forgive me.
Cheap grace will buy you a costly divorce.

Truth 9: Receive God's grace with a repentant heart.
Stay intimate with God.

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Lie 10: It's too broken. Nothing can fix this relationship.
Truth 10: It's never too late because nothing is impossible with God.
Don't give up. When you feel that you are at the end of the road and the
next stop is divorce, remember who your real enemy is. Seek the Lord and
you will find Him.

CBN.com  Dr. Linda Mintle

Comments

[Stephanie Arado]

I recognize that marriage is a covent relationship. However my husband's anger management issues and verbal abuse made me flee with my then under 2 year old on several occasions. At the time he worked sporadically as an HVAC tech, and I paid most of the bills. He refused to get a job at Walmart or some other place to help support us. While this was a source of tension, the main issue was that when we would argue, he would begin screaming that I was a bad mother, a bitch, cunt, whore and he even threatened to hit me by running towards me with his fist on more than one occasion. We drove to a party once and he proceeded to scream and belittle me for the first 15 minutes, while my daughter was in the back seat. I was quiet. I realized that two people yelling was not a solution, besides a quiet answer turns away wrath.
Once, he picked up a knife and told me I should stab him. Once after I had gone to sleep, he woke me up, insisted that I give him a back rub and when I refused, he followed me into the bathroom, pulled my hair and punched the wall several times. Of course he was always sorry the next day. He told me he would never do it again. I reminded him of his daughter and how we need to think about her. I tried a few sessions with a counselor. He only attended twice. I decided for the safety of my daughter, I needed to move out and live separately. While out of the house, he invited me over for dinner. Eventually, I called the cops to ensure that I could leave his residence with my daughter. He had been saying that I was a drug user and having an affair, both untrue, and he refused to let me leave the house with our 18 month old. Now, since I have filed for divorce he has a job, has cut down on his drinking but refuses to go to any kind of counciling for his anger. He says he is a christian but will not attend any kind of church. We have an amicable relationship, probably because I am letting him have the house and am not asking for any child support. We even go on outings every so often. I think he should be involved with my child's life, and I am interested in maintaining a friendly relationship. However given the violent, abusive history, I am not ready to live with him or have any kind of physical relationship.
Despite what I am hearing from the evangelicals that you should preserve your marriage at all costs, I refuse to put myself or my daughter in danger. I think at this stage a Divorce is the healthiest way for all of us to move forward. My husband will be forced to control his drinking and remaind somewhat responsible, and I will no longer have to endure the screaming explosive threats that I faced almost every night. Oh yes, and by the way, my husband is a gun owner. Who knows, one day he might have decided to stop the threats and follow through. I am dismayed that all you marriage proponents seem to talk about is how to save a marriage. What do you do when a problematic marriage turns sick and dangerous? Do you advise that the woman stay and wait to be shot or hit in front of her toddler? Never mind the long term effects this has on the child!

[Jim]

Stephanie, I agree with your decision. Living in that environment puts you and your daughter at risk. You have engaged in counseling (and he will not), you've given him multiple opportunities to clean up his act. We do not endorse living in an abusive relationship.

Additional Reading
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=835

http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=681

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/topics/39.php

[rick czechowicz]

As a Christian Marriage and Family therapist for the past 20 years, I've come to a not-so-startling conclusion about the best way to "divorce proof" ones' marriage. Ironically, it has little to do with the actual relationship itself between a husband and wife.

Let's look at the dynamics of marriage logically. The marriage relationship is simply the sum of its two parts. Therefore, marriage problems, or the potential of divorce, is the result of one or both of the partners dumping their sin, selfishness, and/or lack of maturity into the relationship often resulting in what
we've mistakenly come to call "marriage problems." I certainly have seen my share of problems in the marriages I've worked with over the years. But virtually none of those problems were the fault of the marriage. I believe the whole contemporary concept of "marriage problems" is totally foreign to God.
There is only individual sin that gets dumped into a relationship because one partner or the other, or both, have decided to walk in the flesh and not in the spirit.

Galatians 5 lists for us the fruit of the spirit, that is, what characteristics, attitudes, behaviors our spouse can expect from us if we choose to daily walk in and be controlled by God's spirit. In contrast, those who choose to walk consistently in the flesh present a very different picture. Namely, the exact opposite
traits of one who walks in the spirit. Pretty scary stuff to say the least.

"Working on our marriages" by identifying/meeting needs, improving communication, learning love languages, etc, can certainly be helpful. The problem is.. it's not foundational. It's a poor substitute for the Christian husband or wife spending time on their knees and in the word daily with an attitude of brokeness and surrender before God. Not very glamorous I'm afraid.. kind of Old School. Doesn't have a snappy title to it or a glossy cover. It's just plain hard work and spiritual discipline and yet it's what God requires for blessing.

Christian marriage has been for the past several years and is currently in a full-blown crisis. Barna Research group tells us that we have now pulled even with our secular conterparts in the national divorce statistics, maybe even pulled ahead slightly. Ironically, during this same time frame we've had a virtual explosion of Christian resources on how to have a great marriage. Books, tapes, web sites, conferences, TV, radio..you name it. Apparently what ever we're doing is not working. Marriage resources seem much more concerned about telling marriage partners what they should "do" instead of who they should commit themselves to becoming. And therein lies the problem. Marriages are ultimately not saved or permanently improved by practicing a list of do's and don'ts or following some behavioral formula. If that were true we wouldn't be in the marital mess we're in today. Marriages are secured when those involved allow
God to change and control their hearts.. the "well-
spring of life" on a daily basis.

The church has gotten very comfortable drinking marital milk when what we desperately need is solid food. And unless those of us in positions of leadership lead the way, the evangleical divorce crisis.. as Barna puts it.. "has no end in sight."

Rick Czechowicz, M.Ed, MA
Racine, WI