It's Dangerous to Overload Your Marriage

Do you think your marriage is supposed to fix a lot of your problems?

If you do, think again.

Marriage should not become a problem-solving factory. It's way too delicate for that kind of operation. Just look at the divorce rates.

In marriage, there are basically five broad categories whereby problems should be solved by the couple. Those categories include problems with children, sex, money, chores, and how to spend leisure time.

Some spouses see marriage as a place to dump all of their frustrations and anxiety, hoping their mates will fix the issues. But, no spouse can fix a mate's personal problems.

Personal issues, past family problems, issues at one's place of work, weight problems, or needing to build friendships —belong to the individual.

Personal problems do not belong to your mate. If you come home dumping every personal problem on your spouse, your marriage boat will capsize. You will overload a perfectly good relationship.

Married couples need to have individual friendships and supportive relationships outside of the marriage. This gives each person a "go to" place to dump stress and redirect a lot of tension.

Also, a married couple needs supportive couples to "shore up" the stressful, weak places in the relationship.

Every marriage needs breathing room to make it work. This means you don't focus on the marriage every moment.

If you think your spouse can fix everything — from your thinning hair to your need for a new job — you are overloading that relationship.

As an individual, it pays to design a plan for tackling many of your own problems that fall into the "personal" category — from dealing with your bad habits to patching up a relationship with your sister. When you take these personal issues into your marriage, you will cause distance and pain in your relationship.

These tips can help get your marriage off overload:

• Act out love constantly. Perform small acts of kindness to nurture your spouse, so he or she will know you desire happiness for him or her.
• Define what you're not willing to do. For example, you might need to tell your spouse that you can't fix his or her family feud. Set the boundary that you can listen, but you're not qualified to offer any advice with those kinds of issues.
• Support your mate in seeking professional advice. For example, if your spouse is troubled about family issues, ask your mate to call a counselor. Large problems call for expert advice.
• Work diligently to acquire supportive friends. Do make it a major goal to find solid friendships for yourself. Help your spouse do the same.

A marriage that becomes too unpleasant is in danger of dissolving.

The News Sentinal