Growthtrac insidetrac, Life Changing Marriage Resources

Ed's 10 Commandments

Ed Young, pastor of the cutting edge Fellowship Church in Grapevine Texas, recently delivered a marriage series called Love Affair - Lessons from the Ledge.

This is Ed's Ten Commandments to his wife Lisa:

1. I shall have no other human relationships before Lisa, including the kids.
2. Remember the date night and keep it holy.
3. Honor Lisa on anniversaries and special days so that you may live long in the land the Lord has given you.
4. I shall not take the covenant of marriage in vain by apathy.
5. I shall not ride in a car or eat in a restaurant alone with a member of the opposite sex.
6. I shall not travel alone.
7. I shall not counsel a woman with the doors closed.
8. I shall not share the details of our marriage with others.
9. I shall not watch, read, or expose myself to sexual explicit shows, books, DVDs, etc.
10. I shall remember the implications of breaking this covenant and commandment before God.

You can find the Lessons from the Ledge message and Love Affair series resources here

Got Church?

I hated church. Sure, I attended for many years, but did so out of obligation. Years later there was a major shift in my church experience when I became a Christian and discovered a church I could relate to.

I was un-churched for twenty years when a friend invited me to a relevant place where for the first time I heard what Christianity really is. Not religious activity, but a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. And I learned that becoming a Christian, beginning that relationship, requires a decision. I took that step and I stuck with that church.

I think of church as a vehicle that makes me accessible to God. Sure, God could force His will on us; but He doesn't work that way. By participating in a local church we expose ourselves to worship, teaching, serving, outreach, ministry, and community — and we allow God to grow us.

When Jesus returned to His Father, a plan unfolded. A God-created community called church was launched. A community devoted to Jesus's teaching and saved by His grace; they gave to the needy; shared their possessions; and spread His message of hope. Acts 2 describes this new kind of community -- the first church.

Can a Christian survive apart from a church? God is certainly sufficient to care for our needs outside the church. You can still get to heaven if you don't go to church. But even though it's technically possible to live the Christian life in isolation, I wouldn't recommend it.

When you become a Christian, you are called into a relationship with God (1 Corinthians 1:9). But 1John 1:3 makes it clear that we enter a fellowship that goes two ways: with God and with other Christians.

The New Testament never divides Christians into the church members and the non-church members. All the way through, it assumes that everybody participates in their local assembly. It gives no examples of Christians who belong to the "universal church" but have no link with a local church.

Acts 20:7 reveals the practice of the early church: "And upon the first day of the week, when the disciples came together to break bread, Paul preached to them." For Christians in every location, regular gathering was a part of life.

How to Find a Church There are some great churches out there. Find one!

Chris Tomlin First Live Recording

Listen to a sample!

Okay. First my standard "why-we-talk-about-Christian-music-in-a-marriage-blog" disclaimer.   Christian music is one of several sprititual intimacy elements that can make a difference in your marriage. It will draw you together... and closer to God.

Chris Tomlin will release his first live recording Dec. 26, Live From Austin Music Hall. Tomlin recorded the new album Sept. 18 in his hometown of Austin, TX along with thousands who came for an evening of worship at the famed Austin Music Hall. The album consists of such CCLI chart favorites as “Forever,” “Famous One,” and “Kindness,” as well as a brand new live version of “Indescribable” with Tomlin playing piano. “Indescribable” is the first No. 1 hit off the 400,000-plus selling, award winning 2004 release, Arriving.

Joining Tomlin on stage for the Live From Austin Music Hall recording were special guests and fellow Texans: collegiate favorite and label mate David Crowder, singer/songwriter Cary Pierce, formerly of Jackopierce (co-wrote “Unfailing Love” with Tomlin), and Austin-based blues singer Seth Walker. Also joining Tomlin on stage was Arriving producer, Ed Cash.

Recording the album before a packed Austin Music Hall, over 5,800 people came to worship with Tomlin while 2,000 had to be turned away after the hall filled to capacity and beyond. “Even if it was just one, I would have felt bad, but the venue said they turned away at least 2,000. 2,000! I could not believe it,” reflects Tomlin. "Needless to say, the crowd of worshipers was everything I could have hoped for. I am now just hoping that we captured on tape what was going on in the Hall. I was so encouraged to see how God is at work in my hometown, Austin.”

The Growthtrac Music Channel

It's Dangerous to Overload Your Marriage

Do you think your marriage is supposed to fix a lot of your problems?

If you do, think again.

Marriage should not become a problem-solving factory. It's way too delicate for that kind of operation. Just look at the divorce rates.

In marriage, there are basically five broad categories whereby problems should be solved by the couple. Those categories include problems with children, sex, money, chores, and how to spend leisure time.

Some spouses see marriage as a place to dump all of their frustrations and anxiety, hoping their mates will fix the issues. But, no spouse can fix a mate's personal problems.

Personal issues, past family problems, issues at one's place of work, weight problems, or needing to build friendships —belong to the individual.

Personal problems do not belong to your mate. If you come home dumping every personal problem on your spouse, your marriage boat will capsize. You will overload a perfectly good relationship.

Married couples need to have individual friendships and supportive relationships outside of the marriage. This gives each person a "go to" place to dump stress and redirect a lot of tension.

Also, a married couple needs supportive couples to "shore up" the stressful, weak places in the relationship.

Every marriage needs breathing room to make it work. This means you don't focus on the marriage every moment.

If you think your spouse can fix everything — from your thinning hair to your need for a new job — you are overloading that relationship.

As an individual, it pays to design a plan for tackling many of your own problems that fall into the "personal" category — from dealing with your bad habits to patching up a relationship with your sister. When you take these personal issues into your marriage, you will cause distance and pain in your relationship.

These tips can help get your marriage off overload:

• Act out love constantly. Perform small acts of kindness to nurture your spouse, so he or she will know you desire happiness for him or her.
• Define what you're not willing to do. For example, you might need to tell your spouse that you can't fix his or her family feud. Set the boundary that you can listen, but you're not qualified to offer any advice with those kinds of issues.
• Support your mate in seeking professional advice. For example, if your spouse is troubled about family issues, ask your mate to call a counselor. Large problems call for expert advice.
• Work diligently to acquire supportive friends. Do make it a major goal to find solid friendships for yourself. Help your spouse do the same.

A marriage that becomes too unpleasant is in danger of dissolving.

The News Sentinal

A Thankful Heart

After Thanksgiving service at church last night and driving home on a dark stretch of road with a clear sky full of stars, I began to think about the wonder of God and what I am really thankful for this year.  Like so many, the usual items such as my family, my home, my relationships, good health and jobs came to mind.  Then, I clearly remembered all of these blessings in my life have been put there by a loving and caring God.

I was humbled as I took time to remember He is the giver of all good things.  He is the lover of my soul and the one who watches over me on a daily basis.

Twenty years ago, He showed me what life would be like if I only acknowledged His Son, Jesus Christ.  I made that decision to follow Him with all my heart.  What I frequently forget to do is, to thank Him for the gift of Christ in my life.

Things would be so different for me, my marriage and my family without the Gift of Christ.  Lord, this Thanksgiving, I am grateful and thankful for your Son.  He is the best Thanksgiving Blessing I've ever received.

Got Group?

The last thing I need are more commitments. So when a friend invited me to a men’s breakfast early last Saturday I wasn’t overly enthusiastic. (It was Saturday – the one morning I can sleep in – and it was another commitment.)

Being the friend that I am, I said “yes”.  I figured I’d keep my buddy company.

Several years ago, as young Christians, Sheri and I joined our first couples group. What a ride that was.  Our spiritual lives jumped off the charts! We were introduced to the bible, we learned about church life, our confidence grew, and most importantly – we discovered community.

Community – in the context of small groups and close relationships – is where real growth happens.

Sheri and I are group evangelists. When a couple comes to us with a broken marriage, the first question we ask is, “Are you connected?”;  The first next step we suggest to new Christians is “join a small group”;  As we mentor engaged couples, high on our list is “group” and accountability. We’ve learned – by trial and error mostly – that community is an obligatory element of the Christian life. We were designed to do life in community.

So, that Saturday morning I dragged myself to the restaurant with expectations set somewhere between pancakes and orange juice. I hadn’t been to a men’s event in years and wasn’t motivated enough (i.e. too tired) to engage.

Or so I thought.

There was an agenda, but as with most group experiences the real value was in going “off topic”: sharing personal stuff, laughing, praying, listening, encouraging... It was great!

Sheri and I have relationships all over the place – couples group, marriage accountability, a corporate board for Growthtrac, close Christian friends – we’re well connected. Who would’ve thought I needed one more connection.

• more on Small Groups

12 Ways to Keep Your Love Alive

1. Praise is such a great gift, and it's so easy to give. So look at the things that make your spouse and others unique and develop the habit of praising them for those special things.

2. Every painful trial is like an oyster, and there is a precious pearl—a personal benefit—in every one; every single one.

3. Don't go it alone. Welcome fresh insights of other perspectives—from extended family, friends, good marriage books, or a qualified marriage counselor.

4. In a mutually satisfying relationship, both people's needs are expressed, and they have the flexibility to give and take.

5. Honor goes hand in glove with love, a verb whose very definition is doing worthwhile things for someone who is valuable to us.

6. All our trials, great and small, can bring more of the two best things in life: love for life and love for others.

7. Oneness does not mean that one mate dominates the other or that the stronger controls the weaker.

8. Anger is our choice. We can choose to see its powerful potential for destruction and take steps to reduce it within us. Otherwise, it's and iceberg sinking our love.

9. Better understanding of the motivations and actions that grow out of our basic personalities can help us achieve personal and marital satisfaction.

10. Sharing deep feelings with each other is emotional intercourse, and it's vital to sexual satisfaction.

11. As we reach out to another, our own needs for fulfillment and love are met.

12. Give seven or more praises for every one fault-finding suggestion.

For more ideas about keeping your love alive, check out Dr. Gary Smalley's book The DNA of Relationships.

Got Baptism?

This week our church celebrated the sacrament of baptism. One by one, around fifty new believers went public with a story and a dunk in the water. Nothing amps me up like baptism, witnessing the changed lives, the excitement, the courage. What especially impassions me is how God seizes people of all ages — from 60-somethings to middle-schoolers — and how they all share the same transformation.

Have you been baptized?

If you're a Christian, the bible says that's something you need to do. At some point every Christian needs to step out and go public with their decision to follow Christ. Baptism is a way of saying, "Hey, I'm a Christ-follower!" The immersion in the water (and some churches do a sprinkling instead) symbolizes the changed life: Past sins washed away by Jesus' death on the cross, and the birth of a new life in Christ.

Baptism is not only something Jesus commands us to do, it's a moment you'll always remember.

More Reading...
Baptism
Been Baptized?
The Growthtrac Spiritual Channel

When the Bomb Drops

For many men, a wife's request for a divorce is the first inkling that something is wrong with the relationship. It hits them out of the blue.

Truth is, such men just don't recognize the signs. Take one common pattern: A wife snipes at everything he does, but he never stops to ask why she's always angry.

After the bomb drops, these men are usually in terrible shape, say Steven Lerner, Ph.D., of Kansas's famed Menninger Clinic, and Betty Carter, M.S.W., head of the Westchester (New York) Institute for Family Therapy. They don't just lose their wife and kids, they lose their entire social network. Ashamed of being "done to," and even more ashamed about the distress they're experiencing, they feel a failure and get deeply depressed. They refuse to let go.

"It's a time for guys to pick up the developmental pieces of themselves they lost along the way," says Carter. "They need to do the developmental work that they didn't do at the time they left home."

For most males, that means recovering the sense of emotional connectedness they did not have as part of their upbringing, like learning how to take responsibility for contacting others and building their own supportive social network.

Although many men will almost instinctively try to isolate themselves, both Carter and Lerner believe it's imperative that they get a push in the opposite direction. So they start such guys off making contact with their own family of origin, from whom they often feel cut off. They also guide them to actively cultivate friends.

There's only one alternative--to stay stuck in permanent grief over the loss.

 PsychologyToday

Early to wed may make marriage happy, survey says

Americans are waiting longer to get married, but they shouldn't wait too long: The odds for a happy marriage may favor those who tie the knot between the ages of 23 and 27, says a survey.

The average age at first marriage in the USA has been inching upward; it's now 26 for women and 27 for men.

The survey asked a variety of questions about marriage and divorce, including attitudes toward cohabitation and raising children. Eighty-eight percent of respondents said marriage should be a lifelong commitment.

The survey was designed and analyzed by University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn for the National Fatherhood Initiative, which advocates marriage and family values.
To determine marital satisfaction and success, Glenn says, the answers to a series of questions were calculated according to a statistical index, including adjustments for the length of marriages as well as the age at first marriage.

Findings shouldn't create panic among those approaching 30, he says. "Those marriages turned out better but maybe not because of the age," he says. "Some people may be just too picky or too choosy or not extremely desirable."

Other researchers worry that the findings, based on a 15-minute national telephone survey of 1,503 men and women ages 18 and older in late 2003 and early 2004, may alarm those unattached and marriage-minded.

"The last thing you want is to have them take this as a rule," says Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash. "If you're in a good relationship and if you want to marry, there's no reason to postpone it."
Andrew Cherlin, a professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, says marrying too young or too old carries a greater risk of divorce. But now, "as people wait longer and longer to marry, the definition of what's too old keeps changing."

"In the 1950s, 28 was really old to get married. Now it's not so old, which means there are more unmarried people for a 28-year-old to choose from," he says.

Frank Furstenberg, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, says the times are so different that past assumptions should be rejected. "The dregs in 1960 may have been people marrying in their late 20s and early 30s," he says. "That isn't true today."

USAToday