Controlled Separation

Experts are calling this the age of divorce, but before many couples get to that point, they choose to separate.

There are currently 4.5 million separated men and women in the U.S. There are few rules to the traditional separation, and they are commonly viewed as a prelude to the final split. But there is another kind of breakup that that may lead some couples back to bliss.

Leah and Nathaniel Klug are happily married now, but there was a time when a breakdown of communication had them at odds.

"We were at the point where I'd walk in the door, 'Hi', and that was pretty much it," Nathaniel says.

The Klugs opted for a trial separation, but it left them feeling more anger toward each other. Leah and Nathaniel decided to try something new, called a controlled separation.

"Controlled separation is a time limited contract as a way of getting some time apart,” says couples specialist Meg Haycraft. “There are specifics in the contract that really awaken people so each person, to some degree, has to strive towards cleaning up their act."

The contracts are negotiated with a counselor, not a divorce lawyer.

"They know that they're going to get a lot of help learning how to confront, how to communicate better," says therapist Lee Raffel.

To start, couples must agree not to file for divorce during their controlled separation. They negotiate everything from the length of the agreement, to childcare, dating, sex, and who moves out.

"Are they going to permit hand holding, hugging, kissing, intercourse?” Raffel asks. “All these things are decided, so nothing's left to chance."

If something doesn’t work, it can be fixed.

"There clearly have been parts of the contract that some people find one or two weeks into it are not acceptable, and they will quickly call back and need to revise that," Haycraft says.

At the end of the contract, couples decide on next steps. Experts say it is no cure, but Leah and Nathaniel say it helped them concentrate on fixing their relationship.

CBS5.com

Comments

[deb]

STARTING WITH COUNSELLING IS DEFINITELY THE THING TO DO.
My husband and I were separated and then divorced after seven years of marriage and two children. We were unable to agree to counselling or anything else at the time. After several years of being divorced parents, we learned the hard and slow way to accept each other again because we had to deal with each other. THEN we finally went to counselling. It made all the difference in our attitudes, thinking, and behaviour. We really needed the help of a third party just to communicate our hurts and hopes. We have been happily married again and praising the Lord for almost 3 years.

[Jim]

Deb, thanks for posting.

[Linda]

My husband and I have been married now for almost five years, we have also been separated and together for about the same number of times (5). When my husband decides to leave he always tells me that it is due to something I've done or failed to do. He tells people that "we" made this decision together. I really love my husband and want to have a great marrraige with him,but don't want to beg and plead after him. Any Godly advice/thoughts/suggestions, of course your prayers are needed!
Bless you,
Linda

[Jim]

Hi Linda
Thanks for the comments.
You might want to post your question
in our Discussion Forums located at:
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/
Jim