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Exit Strategies

Commitment isn't what it used to be...

Anyone familiar with weddings knows the drill: for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. But if New Jersey author and wedding expert Sharon Naylor has analyzed the current direction of marriage correctly, that phrase may soon pass from modern weddings faster than it has from modern marriages.

In her book, Your Special Wedding Vows, Naylor tells us that the whole notion of sticking around until someone dies has increasingly become passé. In fact, the entire notion of having to live up to that commitment causes nothing but grief and mental anguish, Naylor claimed to Fox News last week.

"When people get divorced, they mourn the fact that they said 'til death do us part'--you didn't keep your word in church (if they had a church wedding). Some people are in therapy because they promised 'til death do us part.'"

So what does Naylor propose for modern vows and modern marriages? Something a little less judgmental, non-binding. Here are a few suggestions for the blushing bride and her groom to consider when tying the ever-more-slippery knot:

Noble: "For as long as our marriage may serve the greater good."
Poetic: "For as long as our love shall last."
Prosaic: "For as long as we continue to love each other."
Clock watchers: "Until our time together is over."

Notice how all of the above depend on completely subjective judgments, despite a desired escape from the judgment of failure when vowing to stay married until death. These judgments don't  depend on a mutually agreed finality, either; they all provide plenty of leeway for one partner to declare that the meter has run out. In fact, it takes the partnership out of marriage altogether and replaces it with a temporary commingling of shared transient interests, implicitly declaring that these interests will at some point diverge. None of them address children, families, or communities; they completely center on the fleeting gratification of the two people at the altar.

It takes a commitment to keep working at the relationship when it no longer feels fun or exciting, and it takes discipline to keep outside distractions from reducing the will to perform that hard work. Instead of recognizing commitment as the essential ingredient of marriage, however, these new trends specifically avoid the entire idea of commitment and effort.

It's no coincidence that marriage continues to struggle as a social structure in an age that devalues commitment and looks for exit strategies regardless of the endeavor.

Weekly Standard

Living together: a risky trial

Contrary to what many people believe, "test driving" a relationship by living together before marriage also reduces the odds of success. The exact reasons are unclear. It may be that couples make riskier picks with a live-in partner than they would with a potential spouse. Or couples who defer marriage and opt to live together first may do so because they have trouble with commitment.

After they move in together, some couples eventually walk down the aisle as a result of inertia, not love. Undoing the entanglements of a live-in relationship can be a hassle, especially if the couple has children, Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver said.

Sliding into marriage becomes "a transition without a decision," Stanley said. "For a lot of young people, it's not a real deliberative thing. They're not really thinking, 'Are you the one?' 'Am I the one?' "

A 2002 analysis by Jay Teachman, a sociologist at Western Washington University, found that living together increases the risk of divorce by 35 percent when those couples eventually marry.

According to Teachman, Americans are less likely to divorce if they are Catholic, have high education levels, marry someone close to their own age and don't have children before wedlock. For instance, the chances of divorce for a woman who is five or more years older than her husband is 88 percent greater than for couples without the age gap. Teachman based his calculations on more than two decades' worth of data from the National Survey of Family Growth.

Source: Seattle Times research

Marriage as learned behavior: Can divorce be foretold?

It may sound like a conservative's marriage manifesto: Pick a partner with a similar background, don't shack up without an engagement ring and stick with even a lifeless marriage for your kids' sake.

But following that creed could avert divorce, which, statistics show, can be perilous to your health.

Researchers have persuasively linked certain demographic and socioeconomic factors — many of which you can't control — with higher odds of marital breakup. Your race, occupation, income, age at first wedding, the length of courtship and whether you have children from previous relationships all can preordain the success of your marriage even before the "I dos."

Factors that put you at a higher risk of divorce:

• Having divorced parents
• Marrying young
• Living together before engagement
• Being previously divorced or marrying a divorced partner
• Having a child before marriage (and, to a lesser extent, getting pregnant before the wedding)
• Being much older or younger than your spouse
• Marrying someone of a different race
• Following different religions or no religion
• Having low education levels

Source: Seattle Times research

For Some Soldiers, Homefront is Real Battlefield

Although surviving the chaos of Iraq, thousands of soldiers have become casualties of a fight they were poorly trained for: keeping control of their family lives during the separation of war. Men and women who feel lucky that their units suffered few fatalities say they can name dozens who returned home to empty houses, squandered bank accounts, divorce papers and restraining orders.

The Army divorce rate has jumped more than 80 percent since the fighting began overseas in response to Sept. 11, 2001. The courts around Fort Hood, the Army's largest post, may have to add another judge just to handle the caseload. Divorce lawyers hire extra staff whenever a division prepares to come home.

To a soldier in battle, the threat of a family falling apart can be a dangerous distraction. "That's probably the worst part about being over there," said Hall, now back at Fort Hood and facing a marriage so damaged it may not survive. "Your wife's cheating on you, you know she's been spending all your money the entire time, and there's nothing you can do about it. You think about that more than you do a bomb on the side of the road."

Soldiers tend to enlist young and marry young: Just 1 percent of the civilian population under 20 is married, compared with nearly 14 percent of military members in the same age group, said Shelley MacDermid, co-director of the Military Family Research Institute at Purdue University.

"These early young marriages are not a great recipe for marital longevity," MacDermid said. "Research on divorce shows that. Add to that the anxiety associated with a dangerous job, and it doesn't bode well."

The deadline for going to war is among the most powerful incentives to rush a wedding. This time around, those unions are being tested by the longest and most recurrent deployments in the history of the volunteer military.

"This is a real tragedy of war." Do you know a military family you can reach out to?

Los Angeles Times

The Marriage Minute

Over on the Growthtrac site we've had a huge response to the Marriage Minute, a daily e-mailed devotional.

I think the appeal of the Marriage Minute is that it does in fact only take a minute — or less — to read. It's a concise, bullet-pointed, short list of suggestions to strengthen your marriage. We cover most all topics relevant to your marriage including intimacy, communication, addiction, love, trust and of course... sex. And you receive a new one automatically every day in your Inbox!

The excerpts are authored by Growthtrac staff and some are adapted from best-selling marriage books.

We've received a lot of positive feedback on these. One couple even brings a printout to bed as a nightly discussion!

Check it Out — The Marriage Minute...

Adultery & Pornography - Marriages Under Attack

As I watch the posts coming into our forums, Growthtrac Community, I am overcome with sadness for the Christian families being destroyed by adultery and pornography.  I simply ask that you consider praying for your marriage, the marriage of friends and family and the marriage of your pastor on a continuing basis.  As Christians, we are not immune to the influences of this world and it seems to be increasing at a alarming rate.

There are some common themes in the posts at Growthtrac Community that are contributing to the breakdown of marriages.

1) No participation in a local church — make an effort to look for one that is alive, vibrant and is enjoyed by the entire family.  It also has to be a joint effort.  Church involvement is not a solo act in a marriage.  Here's a great church resource: click here

2) Couples do not pray together — if praying is uncomfortable, write your prayers down on an index card then share them later on when your have a quite moment.  Take a walk together to praise God for the beauty around you, or simply sit together and listen to a wonderful praise and worship CD.  If you haven't heard Michael W. Smith's, Healing Rain, it's worth the effort.  If there is a particular song that really speaks to your heart, then discuss that with your spouse and why. 

3) There is no closeness/community/group connection — to other Christians for accountability, prayer and just doing life together.  Consider serving in a ministry together or become involved in a bible/couples study.

4)  No time for romance/date nights/talking/physical intimacy — go back to when you first met and talk about what attracted you to each other. Where were your favorite places to go?  Maybe revisiting them would be fun.  Grab a Starbucks and sit back and talk for awhile.  Leave each other post-it-notes on your mirrors, cars, or in briefcases with words of affirmation.  Be sure to kiss each other goodbye in the morning and give each other a greeting kiss and hug when you come home at night.  Schedule sex — it may not be spontaneous, but it certainly gives you something to look forward to!!

5)  Boundaries — do not go out to breakfast/lunch/dinner alone with a member of the opposite sex even if you are in the corporate world.  Perception means a lot and you make think it is innocent enough, but it is not.

6)  Computer — a pornography filter is an absolute must.  Also, computers must be out in the open in your kitchen or a family room that the family can constantly see.

Check out our Pornography & Online Addictions page ...

Look at your Schedules — and become very deliberate about making time in your marriage for what matters.  Shut the TV off, shut the computer off, crawl in bed and cuddle. Talk and pray together and find a loving growing community to support you through the good times as well as the difficult ones.  Form a Board of Directors for your marriage!  It only takes one heart to make a change — maybe it's yours...

Growthtrac now a Non-Profit

Growthtrac.com (the parent site of this blog) launched five years ago as a small directory to assist our pre-marriage mentor couples with next steps.

Today, Growthtrac is an expansive Christian marriage enrichment resource covering articles, interviews, events, books, music and community — over thousands of pages.

Over the years we have built relationships with many major Christian organizations and have earned the respect and following of many viewers worldwide.

To help support our ministry (thus far we have personally supported the ministry) and to better align with our ministry partners, we took the leap to non-profit, 501(c)(3) status.

Our non-profit status is effective immediately. Please join us in celebrating this milestone.

Please take a look at our new Support pages and if you feel led, consider how you might support this ministry.

Thanks for reading our blog — and we appreciate your continuted support!

Jim Mueller

Feeling Sick? How's Your Marriage?

A new study from Duke and the University Of Chicago looked at the long-term health consequences of people who are married, divorced, widowed, remarried, and single.

What researchers found is that people who had a disruption of marriage, like divorce or death, were in worse health than those who remained married. The quality of the marriage was also important to good health, with people in poor marriages in worse health than those in good marriages.

The study looked at health factors like depression, chronic disease and restricted mobility. The strongest link was found between chronic disease that develops over time, like diabetes or cancer, in people who had a disruption in marriage. This builds on previous research by the same team that showed more health problems in people who lived in extended family households where they were more likely to be caregivers for grandparents or grandchildren.
CBSnews.com

Marriage Prep, Great Books

Two books we're recommending these days for engaged and newly-married couples.

Just Married: What Might Surprise You about the First Few Years
by Martha Feinberg more info


Adventures in Holy Matrimony: For Better or the Absolute Worst
Julie Anne Fidler more info

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