Top Five Issues

I just read an article authored by Peter J. Larson, Ph.D. Dr. Larson recently looked at a sample of 10,000 individuals (5,000 men and 5,000 women) who took ENRICH.

The ENRICH Inventory is a 165-item marriage assessment tool designed to be taken by married couples seeking enrichment or marital counseling. Clergy, counselors, and marriage educators are trained in the administration and use of the inventories, as well as providing feedback to couples using 6 skills-building exercises.

Dr. Larson identified and compared the top issues men and women most often highlight as concerns in their relationship. The top 5 concerns for men and women are listed below.

Top 5 issues women reported:
1. My spouse can be too stubborn
2. Some differences never seem to get resolved
3. I wish my husband were more willing to share his feelings with me
4. Wish Partner were less critical/negative
5. My partner often doesn’t understand how I feel

Top 5 issues men reported:
1. My spouse can be too stubborn
2. Difficulty dealing with partner’s moodiness
3. Some differences never seem to get resolved
4. Serious disputes over unimportant issues
5. Wish Partner were less critical/negative

In digesting the items on these lists, it was striking that 3 of the top 5 issues for men and women show up in both lists. Both men and women complain that their partner can be too stubborn and critical, and wish their differences could get resolved. Out of 165 items, men and women both gravitate towards these same areas of complaint.

Another interesting finding is what is unique on the men and women’s lists. The issues of communicating and expressing feelings emerge as clear problem areas. The women want to connect with their husbands on an emotional level (#3 and #5 of the female list), but men seem to feel overwhelmed by strong expressions of emotion and don’t realize that the surface issues are often fueled by powerful underlying feelings (#2, and #4 from the male list).

These findings are consistent with the research of John Gottman and Scott Stanley.