Growthtrac insidetrac, Life Changing Marriage Resources

Wedding Planning: The First Big Relationship Challenge

To have a successful marriage, couples need to learn how to make decisions together, and wedding planning offers the perfect planning vehicle...

1. Recognize the Challenge, Embrace the Opportunity
2. Explore Your Personal Wedding Visions
3. Plan the Planning Process First
4. Create Your Action Plan
5. Stay Connected: Using Communication, Conflict Resolution and Intimacy Skills
6. Stay Centered: The Keys to Stress Management
7. Take a Marriage Preparation Class
   
   Read the Article

What Men Really Want From Marriage

A recent article by psychologist Van Farmer of Fargo, North
Dakota identifies eight pieces of advice for wives based on a
survey of married men. Interestingly, many of these suggestions
support the empirical research of John Gottman.  Here they are:

• Be Less Critical
• Don’t Bear Grudges
• Be Supportive of Work and Leisure Activities
• Be Nurturing
• Verbalize Your Needs
• Be A Friend
• Initiate Physical Affection
• Take Responsibility For Your Own Happiness
  
  The MarriagePrep 101 Newsletter

Lee Strobel on ABC's 20/20

Author Lee Strobel to Make the Case for the Resurrection of Jesus on ABC's 20/20

Lee Strobel will be featured along with other theologians, scholars, and archeologists on ABC's 20/20 special report: The Resurrection of Jesus Christ airing Friday, May 20, at 10 p.m. EDT. Lee did an extensive interview with Elizabeth Vargas for this segment.

In her report, Vargas is expected to present multiple views on the resurrection from Christian, secular, and Jewish perspectives.

"The resurrection is the pivotal event of history—and I'll be anxious to hear how ABC sifts through the compelling evidence that Jesus rose from the dead." −Lee Strobel, author

Read more about Lee Strobel

Is your love tough enough?

We have a new addition to our family - Shatzi, a Shitzu/Bision puppy!

After several months, we recently enrolled her in a puppy training class. What an incredible experience it has been so far: Shatzi can "come", "sit" and then "sit" and also "come" - that's after only two weeks! I have to brag as much as you'll allow.

She's smart- like her master - but needs a lot of discipline in this learning stage of her family life with us. Shatzi needs to be affirmed, praised and even rewarded for her conformity and self-controlled participation in our daily routine. Peaceful existence is the desired outcome of her training.

It wasn't always that way when we first brought her home at 8 weeks. Naturally, she tried to run the household and demanded consistent immediate attention. Biting, scratching, "messing" in the house, attacking Samson our 5 yr/old cat (I hate cats!) and barking endlessly all night long. We were ready to give up feeling that all was lost. We lost hope.

We knew we had to set boundaries to let her know that some of her actions were not tolerated and that there are consequences for same. Hence, doggie training!

We are learning that we must understand Shatzi's behavior language in order to communicate with her. By "listening" to her demands and needs, we will be able to understand her behaviors so we then can set appropriate boundaries and consequences as an act of tough love. Her gaze becomes very intense when I "get tough" and draw a line in the grass (pardon the pun).

Interesting analogy for our marriages, I think. How do you react when your spouse’s behaviors are damaging to your marriage? Listening, discerning, evaluating and finally setting boundaries.

I recommend Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson (Multnomah 1983) for those who have “bent over backwards to make your partner feel loved and accepted only to be rewarded with anger, indifference, infidelity or abuse. Your spouse may even be ready to walk out the door.”

Dr. Dobson’s “tough Love" principles are really unique and effective. His strategy doesn’t require the willing cooperation of both spouses. In fact, he doesn’t recommend that both partners read this book – just the offended spouse. The book offers guidance for the best chance to rekindle the romance, renew the relationship and draw your partner back into the marriage and your arms. Dr. Dobson actually encourages the offended spouse to take a stand by setting behavioral boundaries that may include a willingness to withdraw and perhaps letting go of the offending spouse in God-honoring ways.

Chapter titles include: Opening the Cage Door, The Tougher Questions and Angry Women and Passive Men among others. It even has a chapter on Loving Toughness for Singles.

Guess what! Shatzi is responding to our boundaries and withdrawals and seems to feel more affirmed than ever. It works!

You won’t regret experiencing this strategy of tough love. This is a must read in my book!

The Learning Curve

This morning, counseling a couple in their final pre-marriage mentoring session, I wanted to recap with a few brilliant words of wisdom. I gave them my Learning Curve story.

Not particularly clever or original, this story describes my own skills disorder figuring out the basics of happy marriage. Oh, I’m sure my wife will claim her share of the blame. It takes two. But if I had come around sooner, I believe our own marriage would have turned the corner much sooner.

This couple has personality issues – which means they frequently get on each others nerves. They are very different people, and there is a temptation to change each other.

My advice was this:

• You can’t change each other. Don’t try.
• Be flexible – most of the time you’ll never resolve major issues. Learn to distinguish solvable problems.
• Be a servant. Serve each other.
• Respect each other.

Small changes make big improvements. The faster you get on board with the fundamentals, the sooner you’ll have a strong, satisfying marriage.

Some advice for young newlyweds

Just read an article at Forbes related to a core value we emphasize in our pre-marriage mentoring sessions. It's reassuring to see the same advice from a Financial Planner...

Financial troubles can wreck a marriage.

Many young couples aren't comfortable talking about financial issues and to avoid conflict, many simply don't discuss them.

Our number one suggestion is that couples develop a budget outlining income and routine expenses.  Without a budget, many young couples simply spend money as quickly as they earn it and are unprepared for the first bout of unemployment. You don't want to be between jobs without a rainy day fund.

Secondly, talk about your finance picture. And if you find yourself in deep weeds, get counseling.

Question: Do you want to stay together or not? Put away the goo-goo eyes and get serious about your financial future.

I Hate My Marriage!

Recently, while on our way to visit our dear friends (married 28 years!) who pastor a church in Michigan, my wife and I came across a huge bill-board sign bearing large white letters on an all-black background that read, "ihatemymarriage.org"!

We couldn't believe it - someone actually had the nerve to declare that on a bill-board just outside of town. Not a "Happy Birthday, Jenny, I love you" sign or a "Loosing sucks, winning doesn't (hockey team) sign or even a Perkins Pancake House advertisement. NO! Someone actually paid for a domain to advertise to the whole world that they hated their marriage.

Insane.

I couldn't wait to get to that sight and blast them with an email expressing my total disgust and give them some verses right out of the Bible paralleling God's relationship to the church with that of marriage. Oneness, leaving, cleaving, forsaking all others, communicating, serving, loving, edifying and more.

Who do they think they are? I hate my marriage! Huh?

I went there and I couldn't believe what I saw. It's too provocative to describe here in a few words. You'll have to see for yourself. Visit www.ihatemymarriage.org and check it out.

Oh, and by the way, the husband pastors a church right there in that community. It's called CrossRoads Church at www.ilovemychurch.org.

Go figure!

Love God - love your marriage - love your church !

Blessings!

Concerts

I had an opportunity to see Michael W. Smith's Healing Rain concert this past Wednesday.  I'd been struggling with the cost of the tickets which were almost $100.  There were three artists in all with Watermark, Selah and then Michael W. 

Michael W. played with his band for almost two hours. Amazing to watch a guy in his 40's still jump around the stage with the enthusiasm that he does.  I especially enjoyed watching a young woman in his band who sang backup and played violin beautifully.

I left the concert filled up with the awe of watching a man honor God with his gifts and talents.  He made a comment during the concert that has stuck with me - "Worship is a lifestyle."

I couldn't agree more in that I go to church and can be disappointed by the music selection or the sermon. This song didn't speak to me or that message was lukewarm, etc.  This past year I was challenged by a sermon where the pastor said, we can choose to be entertained each time we come here or we can chose to worship God in our attitudes and the words and music we lift up to Him.  This is a place and time to bring praise to God, not to be entertained.

I feel worship has become more of a lifestyle for me this past particularly in the music I chose to listen to. I find myself closer to God, my husband and family when I fill my days with worship and praise music.  Worship music in on in the car, in the bathroom, in my office and in our living room.  It fills our lives now and helps keep me more focused on a daily basis.