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Shadows of the Mind

What to do with negative emotions toward your spouse?

What should we do with our negative emotions? We know what we've done in the past: withdraw and suffer silently, or engage in word battles that leave everyone wounded and bleeding. Is there a better way to respond?

1. Acknowledge and identify negative emotions.
2. Find the source.
3. Make a covenant with God
4. Take wise action.

Plan A: Seek peace before the battle starts. For example, knowing that sometimes Merv had to work late, Marcia might have called him at 3 P.M. and asked, "How do things look for tonight?" Whatever Merv's response, Marcia may have alleviated an evening of negative feelings.

Plan B: Call a truce. If Plan A fails and the battle erupts, call a truce before one of you destroys the other. Tell your spouse what you feel, that you don't wish to be controlled by these feelings, and that you're requesting an opportunity to discuss your feelings later.

Plan C: Negotiate. Negotiation allows us to share the negative emotions we feel, give our spouse an opportunity to explain his or her behavior, and resolve the issue. It requires listening with an intent to understand and reconcile.

Plan D: Establish a treaty. Ask each other: How can we handle this differently in the future? What steps can we take to avoid letting negative emotions set up a battle between us?

(Marriage Partnership)
Used with permission.

Junk-Food Marriages

In this fast-food era of pizza delivery and speedy drive-through meals, it's easy to forgo a sit-down "real silverware" dinner. We often sacrifice nutrition for convenience.

Unfortunately, some of us have transferred this fast-food lifestyle to our marriages.

Our bodies' immune systems will start to falter if we're living on junk-food diets. And if we only have drive-through intimacy, our marriages may lose their immunity to worldly "germs." We all need to eat balanced diets and contrary to what the advertisers tell us, super-sized fries are not healthy vegetables. However, I think we can agree that peas are nutritious, so here are three "P"s that will feed your marriage.

Plan
Just as planning is important to the success of a meal, it's also vital to a marriage.

Praise
After you've had a scrumptious meal in a fine restaurant, it is customary to say, "My compliments to the chef."

Pray
Just as a prayer should be offered before each meal, it must be integrated into our daily marriage routine.

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Churches agree to community marriage policy

20 congregations adopt standards to prevent divorce...

Ministers at some of the largest Protestant evangelical churches have signed a community marriage policy that encourages engaged couples to have a courtship of at least a year and to meet four times with a trained, married couple.The clerics want to attack high divorce rates through better marriage preparation.

"If we could get the faith community to come together and agree to some minimum standards -- that's the community marriage policy -- maybe we could be more successful. We could raise the bar," said Ron McLain, who is organizing the latest effort.

Research shows such policies have had some success in reducing divorce elsewhere in the country.

Read the entire article

Look for Michael W. Smith on the Healing Rain Tour this Spring

He just can’t wait to get back on the road again, and soon Michael W. Smith will have his chance as the singer/songwriter launches an extensive U.S. headline tour that takes him all across the country. Sharing the bill with Smith is the trio Selah.

The first leg of the “Healing Rain” tour kicks off April 7th in San Antonio, TX and winds up May 22nd in Memphis.

The tour comes on the heels of his newest single from the album Healing Rain, a remake of the Simon & Garfunkel classic “Bridge Over Troubled Water." 

Michael W. Smith's Music

Passion, Redman, Tomlin Win Worship Leader Praise Awards

Worship Leader has announced the winners of its 2004 Praise Awards. Among them are Passion, Matt Redman, and Chris Tomlin.

Worship Leader, the top magazine for pastors and worship leaders, has announced the winners of its 2004 Praise Awards. Among them are Passion’s HYMNS project, Matt Redman, and Chris Tomlin.

Passion’s HYMNS ANCIENT & MODERN is named Best Compilation. The acclaimed concert disc features all-new recordings from Chris Tomlin, David Crowder Band, Charlie Hall, Matt Redman, and Christy Nockels. Uniquely, HYMNS was built around the idea of recording songs each written at least 100 years ago, adding modern worship dimensions, such as praise choruses, to the arrangements.

Matt Redman’s FACEDOWN is named Best Worship Project. Also a live recording, FACEDOWN features all-new songs from the writer of modern worship favorites “Blessed Be Your Name” and “The Heart Of Worship.” FACEDOWN also includes guest spots from John Ellis of Tree63 and Chris Tomlin.

Chris Tomlin’s “How Great Is Our God,” from his bestselling album, ARRIVING, is named Best Praise & Worship Song. Tomlin co-wrote the song with Jesse Reeves and Ed Cash and is performing the song to new audiences nightly as a special guest on Steven Curtis Chapman’s current All Things New tour.

Worship Leader’s Praise Awards are significant for being chosen by church leaders who actively use these devotional music offerings today to lead the Body of Christ in worship. Worship leaders across the country voted to affirm the work that stood out as a support for their worship communities in 2004.

“The winners of this year’s Praise Awards are on the forefront of worship, creating excellent works of art that promote the intelligent use of music in the growth and development of Christian communities,” says Worship Leader executive editor Julie Reid.

Winners of the 2004 Praise Awards are highlighted in the March/April 2005 issue of Worship Leader.

Learn more about Passion, Matt Redman, and Chris Tomlin at sixsteprecords.com

More Music on Growthtrac

Trusting God with the Details

In recent weeks, I've had to ask myself the question several times, "Do I really trust you God?"  I often find myself answering, "Yes, but...."

Yes, I know you love me, but...

Yes, I know you will work all things out for good, but...

Yes, I know you will provide for my family, but...

Yes, I know my friend is sick and you will always help, but...

The buts are getting in the way.  I need to chop them out of my vocabulary. One thing that keeps coming back to me as I read my devotions in the morning, He understands my doubt.  I think that's why He choseThomas to be one of His disciples.  He knew I would doubt and that I could relate to Thomas very well.

I want to follow Him in every area of my life and I want to go where He leads me.  Trusting Him enough to work out the details is the hard part.  The thing is, God has a wonderful track record of working out the smallest areas of my life, and yet it is still hard to trust Him with the big stuff.  Honestly, he's done a great job with that too.

Recently I watched very dear friends leave a ministry they love, sell their home and find a new job in a different part of the country.  God worked out every detail of the new job, the new home, their new church and the sale of their home.  It has diminished my doubt that He will do the same for me.  It's given me a chance to chop off the buts from the end of my responses.  I just need to say, "Yes God, I trust you".  No buts about it, I really do."

In recent years, I've come to realize the more details I give God in my prayers, the more he loves to answer them in detail.  It is joyful to watch what He does and how He delights in my requests. I used to pray in generalties, such as - "Lord, heal my friend."  Now, I tell Him my friend has a severe back problem and the doctors do not know what is wrong, but you do.  The area where the pain is, is what I'm asking to be taken away.  If this is not your will, then please guide my friend and the doctors in reading the tests accurately, finding the cause and finding a medication that will help him ease his pain. Help him to have rest at night with no pain and to wake up refreshed each morning. Help him to trust you Lord.

God loves the details of our lives and cherishes when we ask Him to take care of them for us.  Pray in detail, watch what He does and how your trust of God will grow.  You'll notice less "buts" at the end of your conversations with God.

I Do. (Now What?)

Even couples that lived together for years before their wedding find that being married is just different, in the same way that watching a how-to show doesn't qualify you to build that deck.

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More on Marriage Preparation

Christian Music's Big Winners

Steven Curtis Chapman and Third Day were Christian music's big winners at the 47th Annual GRAMMY Awards held February 13th in Los Angeles. Chapman was honored for Best Pop/Contemporary Gospel Album (All Things New) and Third Day won for Best Rock Gospel Album (Wire).

Other nominees included Sarah Kelly, Skillet, TAIT and tobyMac for Best Rock Gospel Album; and Avalon, Jars of Clay, Nicole C. Mullen and RainSong for Best Pop/Contemporary Gospel Album.

Steven's Music
The Growthtrac Music Channel

Our Nomination for the Worst Print Ad in 2004

What does this Honda print ad say about America’s perception of
marital satisfaction?—as well as the advertising industry’s
cynical attempt to exploit every insecurity to sell their products?

The magazine ad in question pictures a new Honda Civic with the
headline “The sad thing is, it’ll probably be the healthiest
relationship of your adult life”. Underneath the car, the ad
continues with more consumerist relationship advice: “You’ve
tried the personals, blind dates, even one of those online chat
rooms. Why? The Civic Sedan is smart, fun, reliable and
good-looking. Not to mention, it’s ready to commit, today”. Then
while the reader regresses into a pit of hopelessness about their
prospects for finding true love of the human kind, the ad
concludes with a wink of the headlight “Looking for a good time?”

With these kind of media messages, no wonder we have a fifty
percent divorce rate.

Source: Marriage Prep 101 Quarterly Newsletter

Marriages in Germany

Erika and I are in Germany as I write this "blog" (I still haven't gotten this concept down yet).

We have been here talking to pastors and leaders about entering into a personal relationship with Christ, developing leadership in the church and their position regarding couples having sex and living together before marriage in Germany.

This is a culture that rocks with relationships - from being in love as early as 14 to living together for a number of years (23 in one case) before tieing the knot.

It's incredible, yet sad, to hear the stories coming out of the interviews we've had so far: fears of confronting the couple about sex and living together before marriage, pastors not knowing the depth of what the Bible says regarding God's design for marriage and the couple's feeling of entitlement to a marriage ceremony in "the church" ... and more!

You see, here in Germany two types of churches primarily exist: State churches and Free churches.

State churches are supported by taxes that are collected from the citizens within a community who declare themselves to be either Catholic or Protestant. The State then allocates dollars to the appropriate denomination counsel who appoints a pastor who may have had only a limited exposure to Evangelical training - perhaps only a few classes of theology. Yet, they become the pastor who is obviously serves as the marriage officiate. They will conduct the pre-marriage "counseling" as well. Their goal is to provide the taxpayer with the expected rights which include baptism, marriage and burrial ceremonies. Need I say more?

Free churches, on the other hand can appoint their own pastors who (in most cases) have much more biblical training and generally have a much better knowledge of God's design for marriage. Yet they, too, lack the confidence and skill to counsel pre-married couples in matters regarding living apart and pre-marital sex.

Many of the pastors in State churches and most Free church pastors  really do want to develop these skills but there are not many mentors in Germany available or qualified to guide and encourage them. That's the urgent need in this emerging Christian culture.

It is thrilling to partner with them as they seek to honor God during this time of revival of Christian growth in Germany.

I'll be completing an article for Growthtrac in the next few weeks that will detail some of the challenges these pastors discussed in the area of marriage ministries.